#I wish there was an alternative. Clearly whatever flavor of what's wrong with me is infuriating to them

[ttngummybear]

The next time I go to try and ask for tech support from the revanced team, someone PLEASE just slap me so I don't do it.

[sineala]

Captain America Corps

[This is a repost from my Patreon.] An extra review for everyone this month! I wasn't actually planning to write a review of Captain America Corps, but, then, I wasn't planning to love it as much as I did, either. Surprise! This has been the Book Club selection on the 616 Steve/Tony Discord server for the entirety of September, and it took me all month to get around to reading it, and when I finished reading it on Marvel Unlimited I immediately ran to the internet and ordered myself a copy of the trade paperback, because I needed one of my very own to cuddle. This review contains spoilers for the entirety of the series, so leave now if you don't want to know them. (It also contains a few pictures of elements that you may wish to avoid if you are sensitive to body horror in fiction.)

Captain America Corps is a five-issue miniseries written by Roger Stern, whom you may remember from such classics as his Avengers run featuring the Under Siege arc and his short but extremely memorable Cap run with John Byrne. The art here is by Phillipe Briones, who I don't think I've seen in any other book, but it's nice enough, I suppose. Anyway, it was published in 2011 and is also set then (well, sort of) -- so Bucky is still Captain America (though not for much longer) and Steve is Commander Rogers. (It is still available in trade paperback but it is technically out of print, so you should act now if you want a paper copy.) The best way I can describe my feelings about this book is thus: you know how David Michelinie's 1979 Avengers novel I read and reviewed a few months ago, The Man Who Stole Tomorrow, had an amazing premise -- Kang the Conqueror freezes Steve again and takes him to the future and the Avengers have to go time-traveling to get him back -- but it completely flubbed the actual execution of said premise? Well, Captain America Corps is a lot like that, but it absolutely, perfectly nails it. The premise isn't exactly the same, but it is definitely Peak Comics in the best zany madcap way, and the more you know about canon, the more your familiarity will be rewarded. Captain America is being kidnapped. But not just one Captain America -- Captains America across the multiverse are being stolen, and history is changing around their disappearances. A cosmic entity by the name of Tath Ki has made it his business to right these wrongs, and so to do this he kidnaps some more Captains America of his own. He ends up with a team of five: the Captain America of 1941 (Steve Rogers), USAgent (John Walker, from a small but unspecified number of years prior to 2011), the Captain America of 2011 (Bucky Barnes), American Dream (Shannon Carter, from the MC2 universe), and Commander A (Kiyoshi Morales, from several centuries in the future). So you can see already that this is going to be fun. All the Caps, in my opinion, are very well-characterized -- Steve is painfully earnest and a little inexperienced; Bucky is cynical, jaded, and he kind of can't believe that 40s Steve is looking up to him, which is really sweet; and John Walker is, of course, a complete asshole. I wanted to punch him in his stupid face multiple times, so clearly his characterization is perfect. I can't speak to Shannon's characterization because I've never read MC2, and Kiyoshi is new as of this book, but he is also excellent. So, obviously, because this is a Captain America book, there is a terrible dystopian future for them to fight -- and to show them what's at stake, Tath Ki drops them right in the middle of Dystopian Times Square, and they all get rounded up and imprisoned, whereupon they promptly stage a prison break for the various superheroes (Sam Wilson, Luke Cage, Peter Parker...) that they meet, before Tath Ki brings them back to his home base talk about it, now that he's convinced them that this is a future they have to stop.

(The law enforcement of the dystopian future includes several Americops and the Ameridroid. Remember those guys from the Cap comics? I sure do! Whee!) Tath Ki explains the situation here on this Earth, because obviously there has been some divergence. And the divergence point is this: the Avengers never found Captain America in the ice in Avengers #4. Two new women -- Broad-Stripe and Bright Star (why, yes, those are deeply unsubtle code names) -- ended up on the team instead, but, well... the Avengers just didn't work without Steve, and right when they ought to have founded the Kooky Quartet in Avengers #16, they disbanded instead. All because they'd never met Captain America. Thor went back to Asgard. Hank ended up in a psych ward. Tony died during heart surgery. (Don't worry, I'm coming back to this point later. So is the comic.) So the Caps split up to go see what they can find out about the remaining Avengers. Jan is hanging out with Sue Storm but has been warned about Kiyoshi and Shannon by the villain, and she kicks them out. Steve and Bucky break Hank out of the psych ward. And Tath Ki takes John Walker to Tony's tomb... to find that Tony's brain is missing from his body. Uh-oh. That's never a good sign.

And, oh, yes, Broad-Stripe and Bright Star are the villains of this series. And, what's more, Broad-Stripe is actually Superia, whom you will remember from the infamously terrible Cap arc The Superia Stratagem. It was really bad. It was really, really bad. But reading this has now retroactively made reading that worth it. Anyway, they're the ones who have been kidnapping all the Caps, and the Cap Corps here teams up with the local resistance force (yes, of course there's a resistance) to fight their way to the villains' headquarters. And do you know who else is at the villains' headquarters? It's Tony! I mean, it's Tony's brain. In a jar. Alive. And conscious. (And his eyeballs. I don't know why or how he still has his eyes. I'm trying not to think about that.)

The fact that Tony is now a brain in a jar is what the #book-club channel has been shrieking about with horrified glee for an entire month. If you like sad Tonys, there is no sadder Tony than this. You cannot make a sadder Tony than this. He is a brain in a jar. It's like everything about his favorite transhumanism, gone wrong. He's been there for years. He has never known Steve Rogers, and doesn't that just break your heart? He's suicidal. He begs the villain to finally kill him. He begs Hank to kill him, whether or not the good guys win. His life -- or undeath, or whatever it is -- is so awful that death is, for him, the happy ending. (We already know, canonically, that Tonys who never meet Steve are the saddest Tonys. Fantastic Four: Dark Reign #2, the issue that famously gave us Earth-3490, also gave us a look at Earth-1735, in which Steve is found very late in the superheroing game and Tony has clearly spent all the time in which they should have been Avengers together instead drinking his life away.) Sad Brain Jar Tony fills the good guys who find him -- Hank, Bucky, and Kiyoshi -- in on the villains' backstory and plans, which is basically that Superia has been stealing all the Captains America and has joined up with AIM and gotten herself a Cosmic Cube to shove them all into, and I'm sure we all guessed that that was happening because what even is a good Cap plot without a Cosmic Cube? Anyway, 1940s Steve doesn't meet Tony personally, as far as I can tell, but he does get to hear about him being alive over the comms, at least -- although it wouldn't mean much to him then, because at this point he doesn't know Tony. So all the Caps and Tath Ki and the villains end up falling into the Cosmic Cube along with the rest of the Caps that Superia stole, who are already in there. Steve merges with one of his other self, which breaks the Cube, and the alternate dystopian reality basically... vanishes from existence as everyone goes home. And Sad Brain Jar Tony is finally at peace. *sniff* Due to the mysteries of time-travel, Bucky and the two Caps after him -- Shannon and Kiyoshi -- remember what happened, but the two from before -- 1941 Steve and John Walker -- don't seem to. Except when Bucky meets up with his Steve, the Commander Rogers of 2011, it's clear that Bucky's return triggered something and Steve is starting to remember everything. Then Bucky decides to go turn himself in and face justice for the Winter Soldier's crimes. We get a brief look at Kiyoshi's time, where he's helping christen a new aircraft carrier named after Steve. And that's it. So obviously this is a completely wild plot in the way that comics are the best at, and what I really want most in life now is fic where 2011 Commander Rogers -- who we know is not the best at having feelings where Tony is concerned, because his current reaction to Tony is to scream at him about his feelings, in the snow, surrounded by all of their friends -- has to deal with the fact that he remembers being in a world where Tony is a sad brain in a jar and it all happened because he wasn't there to save him. Heroic Age-era (early Avengers v4) is one of my favorite flavors of Steve/Tony angst, as they work out how to have a friendship again (and are so bad at it that it involves a lot of very public screaming fights), and this just piles the angst right on top. (Yeah, guess what's on my WIP list now.) Objectively, it's not a perfect comic -- it's kind of a mess, but it's a mess in that glorious comics way that comics are so good at. I suspect if you're not here for the Steve/Tony you won't like it as much, but if you are... well, please enjoy pondering Sad Brain Jar Tony in his dystopian, Steve-less future.

[thestanceyg]

Darcyland Drabble Race the Second

So here’s my contribution to another drabble race. Again under the cut because there’s a LOT.

Quantum 1 “Oh my god,” Jane said, flopping down on to the couch next to her. “I had forgotten this show was even a thing.”

“It’s my stay home from school sick comfort show,” Darcy said as she pulled her blanket tighter around her. The chills she was experiencing were no joke.

“Man, I wonder how the creators of Quantum Leap feel now? Like…that tech kinda actually exists, even if it’s classified.”

“I don’t think they know about it Jane,” Darcy said with a fond roll of her eyes. “You know, on account of it being classified and all.”

2 “The fuck does this word mean?” her dumbass lab partner asked.

“Which word?” she asked with a put upon sigh.

“Quantum,” he said, pointing to literally the first question.

“Thor wept,” she muttered under her breath before turning to him more fully. “Here,” she said, pointing back to the textbook. “Definition’s right here. I’ll even read it to you. A discrete quantity of energy proportional in magnitude to the frequency of the radiation it represents.”

“No need to be a bitch about it.”

She idly wondered if killing him was a possibility. “Sure sure,” she said, sugary sweet. “Since I’m such a bitch, don’t worry about me helping again.”

3 “I don’t think the quantum physics work that way,” Fitz said with a tilt of his head as he looked at the projection.

“I mean, I didn’t either,” Darcy agreed, joining him, “but I also don’t doubt our modeling software. Something’s happening here that’s unexpected, and that means either we have something wrong, or there’s something we have yet to figure out that’s acting on everything.”

“You know what that means?” he said with a smile.

“More research dates,” she said before kissing the tip of his nose.

“Can’t wait,” he said before claiming her lips.

4 “Quantum Laser Tag is the best!” she yelled, highly offended. “I can’t believe you just besmirched it’s good name!”

“Err, all I said was that laser tag was kinda lame.”

“It is not!” she practically whined. “Okay, dude, maybe you’ve not had good laser tag experiences, but I have to say that does not mean you get to shit on literally the greatest arena in at least the tristate area.”

“You’re…really passionate about this,” he said giving her a look she couldn’t decipher.

“So is this your way of bowing out of our first date?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Hell no,” he said, smiling.

5 “I’m just saying, that the names at this bar are not scientifically accurate,” she complained. 

“Jane. Literally none of us give a shit. We are here to get shitfaced and giggle over our jobs being somehow alcohol themed,” Darcy reprimanded her. 

“I’m definitely having a Quantum Blast,” Helen said, sidling up to the bar.

“Really?” Darcy said giving her a disgusted look. “I mean…there’s something about adding the word ‘blast’ to it that turns me off from it.”

“Fair,” Helen agreed. “But it has triple sec in it and I’m in the mood.”

Darcy tilted her head in acknowledgment of the wisdom.

6 “I promise to never play with the quantum field again if we can just get out of this alive,” Darcy said more to herself than anyone else.

“What?” Scott asked.

“Just promising myself to try and stick to my field in the future should I survive whatever this is.” She gestured to the everything around them that really defied understanding.

Scott nodded. “I wish I could make a similar vow, but it’s kinda my field now. Though this,” he looked around a bit, “is indeed disconcerting. I could, err, try to make it up to you when we get out of here.”

“Are you asking me on a date?”

“Yes?”

7 “Nope. Not happening. I will not be teaching quantum physics as my teaching assignment next semester. It’s not my field. I would have to do my own research just to feel like I was giving the students an adequate course,” she said as soon as the department head had offered her the schedule.

“Well you don’t have a lot of options here. You’re still a candidate and not a post doc so you don’t get to argue with me really.”

“This is some serious bullshit,” Darcy groaned. “But seriously, Johnson would be way better at this. He even has done research in this field.”

“Yes well…”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Darcy groaned. “You’re doing him a favor and I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences?”

Nebula 1 “And if you look here,” the professor droned on as he used his laser pointer, “you can see a nebula that is starting to die.”

“Kinda like me in this class,” she muttered under her breath. The guy next to her laughed, but covered it with a cough. She looked at him and winked, and he honest to Thor blushed. Well damn if that wasn’t the cutest thing that she’d ever seen.

She grabbed a scrap of paper and wrote her name on it and slid it over to him.

He read it and smiled a bit and wrote back.

Fitz. Nice name. She couldn’t wait to be screaming it later.

2 Nebula was very murderous and Darcy kinda loved her for it. It seemed like there was a lot of deep seated anger that the woman was ready and willing to take out on anyone and everyone. You had to love her unapologetic rage. Darcy couldn’t help but admire how she didn’t give a shit if someone thought it made her less attractive because anyone dumb enough to voice that sentiment would probably end up with a knife in them. Was it wrong that she was a little turned on?

That thought made her come up short.

Shit. She didn’t have time for a crush.

3 The fabric technically had nebulas all over it, though the fabric name had the word galaxy. In the grand scheme of things it really didn’t matter, but it annoyed her for some reason. It seemed that all sorts of little things were bothering her lately, and she couldn’t find the reason. Why should she care that she had “galaxy fabric” that was actually nebula fabric? She would make the damn pillow covers and then she could tell her friends it was nebula print. Giving up caffeine had been a bad idea. It made her crabby. She should probably reconsider her idea to stop drinking coffee.

4 Nebula Swirl was possibly the best flavor of ice cream she had ever eaten, and it was looking like she would only be able to eat it for one more month if something drastic didn’t happen. She took her cone and snapped a picture and posted it to Instagram with the tag SaveGalacticCones. Maybe someone would see it and drop some cash their way. It wasn’t their fault that the freak storm had damaged the property and left them paying off heavy repair bills. They deserved to thrive, if for no other reason than it was the ice cream of her youth and she had so little to remember her childhood by.

5 “I don’t research in the Horseshoe Nebula,” she said with a frustrated sigh. “In fact, I don’t even look within a million light years of there. So please explain to me in very small words why you think your project should get any of my grant money.”

“Because I need to fund my research Dr. Witherow said. “It’s as simple as that. I need more funding and you just won a lot of money. There’s no way you’ll need all of it, so umbrella my study under your project and we’ll both win.”

“No, dude, we won’t ‘both win.’ That grant is actually just one of three for my project because it doesn’t cover everything.” Thor save her from entitled scientists.

6 “It looks kind a like a nebula” Jane said as she looked at the giant bruise on Darcy’s hip.

“I guess that’s fitting because the pain is out of this world,” Darcy tried to joke. It didn’t quite come off as carefree as she had hoped, but that was possibly because she was an hour out from her next pain pill and the current one seemed to have mostly worn off.

“Darce,” Jane said with a bit of warning in her voice. “You’re going to let me coddle you because that’s what I need. I think you do too.”

Darcy sighed. “I know.”

7 A burst of nebula like light flashed before her eyes as the hit landed.

She didn’t pass out, but it was a near thing.

“You will do what we want, Dr. Lewis!” the man spit at her.

“No. I won’t,” she argued. “And you hit like a little kid.”

The man’s face turned a red she didn’t realize was possible before he backhanded her, hitting the already blooming bruise from the earlier punch. “I think you will change your mind.”

“I’d rather die.”

“That can be arranged,” he sneered.

“I doubt it,” she countered. “You need me too much. And if you keep hitting my head, it’ll be that much longer before I’m even capable of doing what you ask.”

Vortex 1 Of course it was a solar vortex. Or, at least that’s what she was calling this abomination in her mind. She wasn’t sure what else to call what appeared to be a tornado of sunlight that was leaving a path of fire and destruction behind it. Why couldn’t normal things happen to her?

She would have to blame Jane. Shit like this never happened to her before New Mexico.

Of course, it could also be that this kind of madness would still happen to her even if she had never been an intern, but blaming Jane felt familiar. That woman definitely owed her ice cream for changing her life like this.

2 “It’s not a vortex” Dr. Strange said, the pinched look on his face clearly telling him what he thought of Darcy and her inability to call it whatever name he had given his portal thingy. She knew it wasn’t a vortex. It was just fun to razz him and see him get annoyed.

He was kinda cute when he was annoyed.

Well, he was kinda cute regardless, but his cuteness was focused on her whenever he was annoyed because 99% of the time it was her fault.

It wasn’t healthy, but it was working so she’d deal with the mental health implications later.

3 “I promise you that’s not a tornado,” she said to her storm chasing boyfriend. “I know it looks like one, but, very unfortunately for the entire town of Lawton, it’s actually an anomaly called a temporal vortex.”

“What does that mean, Darcy?” he yelled over the roar of the storm.

“It means that if we don’t get out of the path of that thing we’ll end up in an alternate reality that may or may not include a breathable atmosphere.”

“Right,” he said, his hands tightening on the steering wheel. “I’d like to live to have another date so one storm evasion coming up.”

4 “It’s called The Vortex,” Helen said reverently as she placed what Darcy thought was a fishbowl on the table. It had six straws sticking out of it.

“Why?” Pepper asked, looking at the drink cautiously.

Helen shrugged. “Does it matter? What matters is it tastes like sunshine and amaretto and goes down easy and will get you shitfaced if that’s what you want.”

Jane grabbed a straw and took a long slurp. “I need to get shitfaced and Helen isn’t wrong. I don’t care what’s in the Vortex. It can be made of baby souls and I will keep drinking it. It’s a fucking delight in my mouth.”

5 “I am sick of the Polar Vortex and it’s technically only been here for three hours,” Darcy said as she cuddled more into the blankets and tried to burrow even further into the warmth of her boyfriend.

“I’m not exactly excited about it either,” he agreed, “but at least it means we have guaranteed time together. That’s been a rare occurrence lately.”

Darcy nodded and debated it it was worth getting her arm out of the blanket to grab her hot chocolate.

“Darce?” he asked.

She turned to look at him. His eyes were soft. “I love you.”

Her breath stopped. He hadn’t said that before. Maybe the Polar Vortex wasn’t that bad.

6 “Sedona is weird,” Spencer said with a frown.

“Are you talking about the vortices?” she asked.

“I am,” he said, studying the map they had been given at the little tourism station. “I just. I can’t believe people believe in this stuff.”

“Ehh,” she said. “There’s a lot of shit I wouldn’t have believed in before it happened to me. You know, like Asgardians and such.”

“Maybe,” he agreed with pursed lips.

She pointed to a spot on the map. “Look, that one’s on a trail. We said we were going to do some hiking, so we’ll go there and treat it scientifically.”

He perked up just like she knew he would. “Sounds like a plan,” he said with a kiss to her cheek.

7 “I am a vortex of emotion,” she said before throwing herself on the couch.

Pepper handed her a glass of white wine. “What happened today?”

“He’s just so cute,” she practically whined. “And he has no idea that literally every time I’m talking to him I’m trying to flirt. I swear I used to be good at it.”

“Perhaps Bruce is ignoring it?”

Darcy shook her head. “I don’t think so, but I also hate that idea. Please don’t ever say that again. How can I live if he doesn’t like me back?”

“Do I just attract drama queens, or is there something special about you and Tony?”

Darcy gasped. “How dare you think I’m not special. You take that back!”

Supernova 1 “Why are you listening to Oasis on repeat?” Jane asked as she walked into Darcy’s apartment.

“Not Oasis,” Helen corrected, “Champagne Supernova.”

“Oh, Darcy. No hon.” Jane threw her purse on a chair and went to the kitchen and started going through the freezer. “Okay, here’s the plan,” she said as she came back into the living room. “I am going to make us some very alcoholic fruit slushies, you are going to move on from Oasis to some 90s Alanis, and then you are going to tell us what happened.”

Jane disappeared back into the kitchen and Helen looked at Darcy.

“And then we plot revenge,” she added.

2 “I promise you there was never a Gusher flavor called Supernova Blast. That wasn’t a thing. You need to stop trying to convince me it was. I might be dumb, but I am not that gullible.”

“Aww, babe! Who said you were dumb! I’ll be happy to knock some sense into them.

“Darce, that’s not the point,” Peter said with a whine. “The point is you cannot make me believe it.”

Darcy turned her laptop to show him the Google Image search with Supernova Blast gushers.

“Your reality is so flippin’ weird,” he said as he stared at the screen.

3 “It’s, like, more than a nova. It’s a SUPER nova.”

Darcy just stared at the man in front of her. This was the last time she allowed Clint to set her up on a blind date.

“Riiight,” she said. “Ummm, I’m sorry, but I need to go to the bathroom. Be right back,” she said as she grabbed her purse and praised the heavens that she hadn’t brought a coat too.

She grabbed a waitress as soon as she was out of his line of sight. “Hi, I need to escape a bad date and I will pay you $40 to let me out a back door.”

The waitress grabbed the money. “Done.”

4 “And next up is Supernova!” the announcer roared. Darce waved to the crowd as her name was called. She hadn’t expected to love roller derby as much as she did, but it truly was a life saver. The team was amazing, it allowed for stress relief, and it was something that was just hers. No being in Jane’s academic shadow. No being in her brother’s professional musician shadow. No shadows. Just Darcy.

As they set up for the first jam she looked up to the crowd and saw some signs with her name on them. She had never felt more alive.

5 “Excuse me?” the man at the counter said, “Are you really telling me that you’ve never heard of the Supernovas?”

Darcy gritted her teeth. “Honestly, dude, it doesn’t matter if I have or not. What I asked was whether or not you had any Aquabats.”

“But I can’t let you listen to that when you could be listening to the Supernovas.”

“I think you are missing what exactly your role is here. I came here looking specifically for a present for my brother, and I came to you to help me with it. In exchange, you should be telling me whether or not you have it, not making me want to leave because you won’t stop forcing your terrible bands on me.”

He stared at her in annoyance.

6 She imagined that this was what it must feel like at the center of a supernova. She had never felt so warm and alive and bursting. His simple confession wasn’t something she had ever expected, but it knocked the ice off her heart and had made her realize that she loved him too. She loved him in a consuming way that she hoped would eventually burn down to warm contentment and not eat them alive, but she couldn’t deny that his love had changed her and she could never go back to not knowing how this felt.

7 “You can’t use the supernova attack in this setting!” Steve said.

“I don't’ see why,” Darcy argued. “What’s stopping me?”

“Because that’s not how it’s supposed to be used.”

Darcy made a tsking noise at him. “Stevey, you can’t say that you want to follow the spirit of things here. You knew I was the type of person to always argue I was technically inside of the rules to do crazy shit when you asked me to join your game. So you either let me cast this or you kill me so I can go play with people that enjoy my unorthodox approach.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “Roll please.”

[tigerkirby215]

5e Yuumi the Magical Cat build (and a test of Tumblr formatting)

So I have no idea how this website works but I mostly made this account to post DnD 5e character builds based on characters I like. Ever since the latest UA came out I’ve been ecstatic over the fact that we finally got another Support-based Warlock that isn’t Celestial. The fact that it’s a genie Warlock is awesome and there’s tons of roleplay that can be done with a pocket wish-granting elemental walking around with you... good thing we’re ignoring all that for the sake of B O O K!

Yuumi! To be honest I haven’t played League of Legends in ages but Yuumi was a character who drew my attention immediately because she’s an UwU Kitty-Cat... who had like a 36% win rate on release. She’s better now though! ...Probably. Regardless Yuumi was my immediate thought when I saw the tether mechanic from the latest Warlock UA. Constructing a build for The Magical 7th Item Slot Cat was something on my mind for the longest time, probably because the only other character I could replicate is... what? Io from DOTA?

I got the OK from Tulok the Barbrarian-senpai to make some DnD builds which is why I’m using his format. All these builds will keep away from Homebrew and can all be made on D&D Beyond... as long as your DM allows Unearthed Arcana which this build heavily relies on.

GOALS

Shield, heal, cuddle! - Yuumi is a support, through-and-through. Probably one of the most support-focused supports in the game. While this build will still have good damage output the main focus is on keeping your teammates alive and well.

Book, do something! - Yuumi is a dynamic duo between the cat and the book. Hopefully your DM is okay with you not really having a “patron” and instead having a sentient book fly around instead. I mean, it’s basically just a Hexblade right?

Lost Chapter - Yuumi honestly has a pretty basic kit. Replicating 4 spells is easy as cake in 5e so a lot of this build will be focused on replicating Yuumi’s typical item build as well.

RACE

Well as you can tell Yuumi is clearly a Bugbe-Ah who am I kidding she’s a Tabaxi. You’re welcome to pick whatever race you want but Tabaxi is honestly a good pick for this build. You get an increase to both DEX and CHA, some useful skills (be sure to ward bush!), and probably the most important skill: Feline Agility. Much like Yuumi you don’t want to be caught off-guard so a quick self-use of Zoomies can help you get away from the enemy and back to your team. For your language of choice... is Yordle an option? Halfling is probably the closest you’ll get to Yordles in 5e so just opt for that instead.

ABILITY SCORES

Much like Tulok I’ll be using Standard Array for ease-of-use. Roll for stats if you want but this is a general guideline for where to put your highs and lows.

15; CHARISMA - You’re cute, cuddly, and oh-so snuggly. Yuumi in-lore is an innate spellcaster and that translates into Charisma; helps that this also impacts Persuasion for head scritches.

14; DEXTERITY - Yuumi isn’t the fastest champion in-game (it’s on Book to do the “walking”) but she’s still a cat, and cats are fast. Dexterity affects AC as well as several other useful things.

13; INTELLIGENCE - Your best friend is literally a floating book it’s bound to know something.

12; WISDOM - You’re a smart kitty and you know a thing or two about Yordles... doesn’t stop you from dissing everyone else though.

10; CONSTITUTION - It’s technically in-character to dump Constitution but I don’t recommend it. Intelligence and Wisdom are higher on this list but you don’t really need them - feel free to get some Ruby Crystals.

8; STRENGTH - Here’s something that’s in-character to dump and I do recommend dumping. Strength is almost completely redundant in this build so don’t be afraid to ditch it.

This would be the point array I’d use if I was RPing Yuumi but if I wanted a more functional character I’d go CHA / DEX / CON / (INT / WIS) / STR for my stat spread. But much like in League you’re more than welcome to buy some health boosting items (notably an Amulet of Health) to compensate for bad stats.

BACKGROUND

Yuumi spent most of her time in Nora her master’s hut which would technically make her a Cloistered Scholar? But Sage works better if you’re teaming up with Book. You gain Arcana and History proficiencies which are honestly the two I’d pick for a magic cat that has a sentient Book as a best friend. You also get the Researcher feature which lets you know where to find any information: Book knows everything and can bring you anywhere - ask them to tell you where to go! You also get two languages and... uhhh who synergizes well with Yuumi? ...Yasuo? Is there a monkey language in 5e? Jokes aside just pick whatever language you think will be useful.

(Art by EmeraldParrot on DeviantArt)

THE BUILD

This may come as a surprise but despite the fact that this build was made almost entirely for the sake of using the new UA Warlock patron we’re actually not starting with Warlock! While half of Yuumi’s power comes from Book (who I’d consider the “patron” in this relationship) the other half of her power is innate. Now I could make her a Sorcerer to reflect the magic within her or I could perhaps make her a Wizard to get more value out of Book but I had to ask myself a question: which class in D&D would be the best for a character who regularly insults and sasses other characters and thinks too highly of themselves?

LEVEL 1 - BARD 1

Yes this build is a Bardlock build, and the only reason we’re going Bard first is for the extra music instruments as well as the choice of any skill we want.

Your choice of instrument doesn’t matter much (it’s mildly important for Instruments of the Bard or if you have an Artificer, but other than that don’t worry) but I’m contractually obligated to take a Lyre every time I make a Bard. Other than that you synergize with Yasuo so steal his Flute, and I’ve always been a fan of Pentakill so I’ll take the closest to a guitar. (Lute)

For skills take Acrobatics, Persuasion, and Survival. You’re a cat which means you need to be quick on your feet and are adorable as hecc, and you need some survival instinct when you’re constantly hopping between dimensions. (Truthfully though as a Bard you should be picking skills that your party lacks, though I’d argue that Acrobatics and Persuasion should always be taken to remain “in character.”)

For cantrips take Message to coordinate with your party in team chat and Vicious Mockery; Yuumi is a cat of sass so feel free to diss your local god by calling him a dog. Or alternatively this could be you flaming the enemy team in /all - I won’t judge.

Cure Wounds and Healing Word are absolute musts for any support - in particular Cure Wounds is good for you since you can cast it from wherever your You and Me (tether) target is located. This means that whoever you’re tethered to can get the full value of Cure Wounds instead of you being forced to pop Healing Word instead. Other than that Longstrider lets you replicate Zoomies’ movement speed boost, and you can never go wrong with Featherfall. (The only spells that are really “mandatory” here is Cure Wounds. Maybe Longstrider too. Healing Word is always useful but both it and Featherfall are just suggestions.)

LEVEL 2 - WARLOCK 1

And from Bard we immediately jump to the meat of this build: The Noble Genie Warlock! You get your Collector’s Vessel which hopefully your DM will let be a book with cat-sized portals inside of it?

You also get some cantrips and guess what? Eldrich Blast! Yeah it’s a Warlock build you’re going to take Eldrich Blast. Other than that take Minor Illusion to pull something scary out of Book at the right time.

For main spells Hex is great to deal extra damage and also lets you debuff some of the target’s ability checks. Sleep is more of a Zoe thing but it’s still an insane pact-specific spell so there’s no reason not to take it.

LEVEL 3 - WARLOCK 2

We’re going to keep going in Warlock firstly for Eldrich Invocations. The main one you want here is Lance of Lethargy so you can replicate Prowling Projectile’s movement speed slow and help set up some kills for your team. The other invocation slot will be left open for now as we wait for level 4, as will our spell choice.

LEVEL 4 - WARLOCK 3

Hello Book! Of course we’re taking Pact of the Tome for the Book of Thresholds Shadows, or just Book for short. Again be sure to ask your DM if the book can be sentient for RP purposes. Or alternatively have it not act be sentient and make your party think your crazy when you talk to it! As for cantrips take Guidance to buff your ADC with some Adaptive Force (note: Guidance will not increase damage), Mending to fix any tears Book may receive (don’t want any more lost chapters!), and even though you’re not really a melee fighter being able to magically scratch nearby champions enemies with Shocking Grasp will give you a fighting chance if you get stuck in the middle of combat.

Note: While it would be more in flavor to use Primal Savagery the reason I opted for Shocking Grasp is because you can cast it through your ally to cause an enemy to be unable to take Reactions. It’s more in flavor to scratch at your enemies but Shocking Grasp is far more useful for this build. Truthfully you can take any cantrip you want though these are just recommendations; I know having 3 damaging cantrips is a little excessive but I like having an attack roll cantrip, saving throw cantrip, and backup melee cantrip.

Now for the Invocation we skipped. I think most 5e veterans have identified what we’re looking for: Book of Ancient Secrets. Book is a resourceful... book and the value of Ritual spells can’t go unmentioned. Take Comprehend Languages and Identify: flip through Book’s pages until you can find the info that you want! And don’t be afraid about picking bad rituals because you can just inscribe more rituals later on!

Now for Spells! Once we get to 2nd level spells we get a lot more stuff to choose from but let’s just choose the main spells we need:

Misty Step - You’re a noob if you’re not packing Flash. Also since this is a multiclass build the problem of Misty Step taking Pact Magic slots can be negated, as you can use your Bard slots to cast Misty Step.

Hold Person - Hit a snare with Final Chapter so your friends can clean up!

Truthfully though all your 2nd level spells open up a huge array of possibilities and I’d recommend picking up any one of them. The Noble Genie gets Enlarge / Reduce which is one of my favorite spells thematically: feel free to pop an Elixir of Iron on your tank!

LEVEL 5 - BARD 2

Feel free to take Warlock 4 for the ASI but I’d like to get the Bard features up-and-running. At level 2 you get Jack of All Trades which means that Book can always help you out of a jam. You also get Song of Rest which further solidifies your role as a support.

For your spell of choice Charm Person lets you use that cute kitty face of yours to get a bunch of fan art on DeviantArt.

LEVEL 6 - BARD 3

Let’s start by picking out our Expertise because that’s the easy bit: Arcana and History - straight from your background. You’re a magic cat with a sentient book you should know these skills well.

Now for your Bard College. There are several good choices: Lore gives you more Magical Secrets to let you “itemize” better, College of Valor lets you buff your allies’ attacks with some Adaptive Force, but at the end of the day the question is this: what subclass lets you shield while also increasing your allies’ movement?

College of Glamour yes really! The main reason for this is Mantle of Inspiration which was the most Yuumi-esque ability of the bunch. You can expect a Bardic Inspiration die to give all your allies temporary HP as well as allow them to move as a reaction without provoking opportunity attacks. You also get Enthralling Performance which is certainly a nice bonus: distract a crowd with your feline charm while the rest of your team does their work.

You also get another spell and... I’ll be honest throwing all the spells on this guide is making this post far longer than it needs to be. I can give some general advice but I’m only here for the class features - not the spells. Pick spells that will help your team, the same way you’d itemize to help your team in League.

LEVEL 7 - BARD 4

Mostly taking Level 4 Bard now for the ASI. Bump Charisma for better spellcasting.

You also get another cantrip: get Dancing Lights to summon some moon moths to chase!

Note: One more level in Bard will get you Font of Inspiration, which allows your Bardic Inspiration to come back on a Short rest. It will also buff Mantle of Inspiration. If you think you’ll need to use Mantle of Inspiration more feel free to take another level in Bard earlier than suggested in this build.

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 4

And another ASI! Bump Charisma again for a maxed out spellcasting modifier!

LEVEL 9 - WARLOCK 5

At this level you get another Invocation as well as 3rd level spells. There are quite a few good invocations to pick from but as a squishy support you’re going to want Zhonya's - or in this case Tomb of Levistus. While not quite Zhonya's this invocation will give you a phat health buff in exchange for making you completely stationary until the end of your next turn. Pop it if the enemy Assassin ults you and pray that your team saves you.

Now that you got 3rd level spells there are some obvious choices. Counterspell? Fly? Maybe Dispell Magic or Gaseous Form? Honestly if your DM is allowing UA spells Psionic Blast from the psychic UA works great with the Genie patron. Those are my picks for some good level 3 spells - unfortunately the spells from the Genie Patron aren’t that good besides maybe Create Food and Water, which is only really useful for specific adventures.

Oh and you get another cantrip! I’d recommend Prestidigitation to pull more things out of Book.

LEVEL 10 - WARLOCK 6

This is the point that this build really starts to shine through. Is it bad that this build needs to get to level 10 before it really starts working? ...Eh...?

Anyways you get Elemental Resistance at this level which lets you give your You and Me (tether) target resistance to one of four elements. You can only choose one resistance per long rest so try to pick the damage type you think you’ll run into a lot. Pro tip: Fire damage is really common. Ignite is a powerful Summoner Spell.

LEVEL 11 - WARLOCK 7

At this level you get access to Level 7 invocations which are all... ehhhh? There are some cool ones here but none of them are really great for Yuumi so instead we’re going to go back a bit and pick up Exhaustion. ...The Summoner Spell, not the D&D debuff. Mire the Mind lets you cast Slow once per long rest: slow is a really powerful spell that you can pop on the ADC so your team can wail on them. Just make sure you don’t lose concentration.

You also get access to 4th level spells and while this is technically a spell Lulu has: Polymorph! Turn your allies into T-Rexes, turn your enemies into Fish (don’t try to eat the fish or they’ll turn back), and most importantly you can now become an actual cat! Truthfully though there are several great 4th level spells too and I recommend you look at all of them.

LEVEL 12 - WARLOCK 8

Ability Score Improvement but you should have max spellcasting by now which is the only thing that matters so... how about some Feats? I’m not going to choose any one particular Feat and instead focus on some of the better ones for you to take.

Alert - Along with Jack of All Trades this will almost always guarantee that you’re the first to go in initiative, meaning that you can tether to someone and start applying buffs.

Inspiring Leader - Lets you use Bop and Block early and give all your allies a nice health buffer to start the day.

Observant - With your Charisma and your proficiency buffing your Perception score this should guarantee that you don’t miss anything with those feline eyes of yours. Be sure to ping incoming ganks!

Resilient (CON) - You don’t really need the other effects of War Caster in this build and Resilient is just more useful overall.

Spell Sniper - Read this spell over and ask “does this sound useful?” If yes then take it, because you’re in a game with a DM who actually likes using cover mechanics.

Tough - Yuumi isn’t tough; that doesn’t mean you can’t be.

Lucky - When in doubt break out the OP bullshit perk.

You also get another spell: Dimension Door lets you recall back to base or somewhere similar.

LEVEL 13 - WARLOCK 9

At Warlock 9 you get access to another invocation, including your 9th level invocations and... oh oh there it is boys! Ascendant Step! Now you can be a proper hovering kitty cat! (Note if you took Fly at earlier levels it might be a good idea to drop it. Or not: you can still buff your allies!)

You also gain access to 5th level spells and here’s where it gets fun: Bigby’s Hand! Honestly this is just a fun spell but you can also justify most of the effects as being part of Yuumi (and Book)’s magic.

Clenched Fist - A full damage Prowling Projectile against a target.

Forceful Hand - More of a Janna thing but still very useful.

Grasping Hand - Hit your snare with Final Chapter. "I am TOTALLY doing this!"

Interposing Hand - Again more of a Taliyah thing (or perhaps Jarvan) but still very useful!

This would be my immediate pick but other than that for 5th level?

Creation is your other patron-specific spell and it is awesome. A little situational maybe but that’s the nature of Book! Pull out something useful: unfortunately it can’t be fish but still!

Hold Monster is like Hold Person but better. It’s a big spell slot though so be wary.

Synaptic Static is like a combination of Leona and Alistar, which is to say it’s a big nuke from the sky that makes all your enemies do less damage.

Contact Other Plane is not my first pick for a number of reasons but if you don’t know what to pick being able to ask Book for directions can be helpful. And it comes back on a short rest too! :) Just make sure Book doesn’t break your mind. (Maybe invest in the Resilient feat for Intelligence if you plan to use this spell.)

(Artwork by sakkiye on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 14 - WARLOCK 10

And now we’ve reached the capstone of our Warlock levels and we get two very powerful abilities. Firstly there’s Protective Wish which lets you use your reaction to swap places between you and your tethered target if either of you get hit. Tank hits for your allies... or alternatively don’t do that and have them shield you from baddies trying to spray you! Just make sure that you aren’t teleporting into a more dangerous location and as a word of advice: don’t throw your allies into danger without their consent.

The other ability you get is Genie’s Entertainment which is far more useful. As an action you can make Book pull a target within 90 feet to a harmless dimension where they’ll be stuck for up to a minute. They can make a Charisma saving throw every turn until they either succeed or a minute passes before they’re ejected where they just were or in the closest available space. This is effectively a one-time use of the Banishment spell (which you can take as a Warlock) but it doesn’t require Concentration which means you can put your focus on other useful buffs for your team.

You also get another cantrip so invest in Mage Hand so Book can pick up things you can’t reach with those paws of yours.

LEVEL 15 - BARD 5

And now we’re bouncing back to Bard and finally getting Font of Inspiration. Honestly if you need more use out of Mantle of Inspiration then feel free to get this level earlier, but you already have plenty of short rest value with your Warlock spell slots.

And speaking of spells: 3rd level Bard spells, anyone? I’d argue that Sending would be quite in-flavor, and Hypnotic Pattern would make for a strong utility, even if you don’t have an AoE stun. Honestly I’m going to skip the spell talk and only cover the last few levels of Bard for completion’s sake.

LEVEL 16 - BARD 6

You now get Countercharm which is poo poo garbage and will make you want to die. But to be fair popping cleanse would help your ADC. (But why are you bringing Cleanse and not Exhaust?)

You also get Mantle of Majesty which will let you play the backseat gamer role you’ve always dreamed of being. As a bonus action you can start to command (the spell) anyone you please to do as you say. Approach, Drop, Flee, Halt... awn there’s not Pet command!

LEVEL 17 - BARD 7

At 7th level you get... nothing! :D Okay you get 4th level spells to be fair but I’m far too lazy to talk about spells anymore.

LEVEL 18 - BARD 8

ASI. Check my suggestions for Feats to take from Warlock 8.

LEVEL 19 - BARD 9

Your Song of Rest increases to a d8 now which honestly probably doesn’t help you much at this point. You do get 5th level spells now though, which you can cast through your Warlock slots.

LEVEL 20 - BARD 10

And for our capstone we finally get Magical Secrets! There’s one specific spell we want: Haste. It’s super zoomies! Other than that you can buy Redemption with Aura of Vitality (which kinda works more like Fiora’s ult but w/e) or maybe an Ardent Censor of sorts with Spirit Guardians? You can grab Mikael's Crucible with Warding Bond, or perhaps contract some help from Zillian and grab Death Ward! There are literally dozens of spells to choose from and I recommend searching online if you don’t know what to take.

Your Bardic Inspiration also increases which means more Mantle of Inspiration health, and you get 2 more skills to give Expertise! Honestly at level 20 it’s a little too late to really choose between Expertise but know that any skill you have Expertise in will have a +12 modifier! You’re essentially guaranteed to succeed at any check with a skill you have Expertise on at this level unless your DM is Twisted Fate and is using Loaded Dice on you.

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Cover to Cover - You’ve got a comedic amount of utility between ten cantrips and the ability to cast any ritual spell you can get your paws on. Along with Jack of All Trades and Expertise covering any skills you may need you’ll never be without a cat trick.

You and me, we got this! - Between Bardic Inspiration, Song of Rest, Elemental Resistance, Protective Wish, and a decent array of buff spells (tbh I kinda wish I took more :P) you can be an incredibly useful asset to your teammates.

You look like unscratched furniture! - One place this build particularly excels is in the crowd control department. Between Enthralling Performance, Mantle of Majesty, Genie’s Entertainment, and a huge array of debuffs you’ll never be lacking in a way to keep your allies safe and the enemies away from you.

CONS

Oh! Sunbeam ahead! - While I tried my best to avoid taking too many Concentration spells I have to admit that a lot of the nicer stuff will demand your attention: Hold Person, Haste, Polymorph, Bigby’s Hand, and Mire the Mind (Slow) all require concentration, so you can only have one up at a time. While you still have options the concentration requirement is heavy.

We’ve got 6 left... or was it 5? - If you’re roleplaying the build properly you’ll have absolutely horrendous health. No additional Constitution modifier combined with a d8 hit die means that you’ll have about a hundred health at level 20, and a Power Word Kill is all it’ll take to end you. Additionally your ability modifiers (with the exception of Charisma) are rather low which means low saving throws and a low AC with only Light armor. Know that you can sometimes sacrifice roleplay for the sake of a more viable build - having good skill checks is great and all but it doesn’t matter if you’re dead.

Full AP? - This build is pure support and I skipped on a lot of the strong damage options that you could’ve taken. In particular this is a max Charisma Eldritch Blast Warlock which doesn’t take Agonizing Blast, a concept most would consider an act of treason. A lot of the invocations I picked more for flavor than actual utility and you’re more than welcome to change Mire the Mind or Tomb of Levistus for something more useful.

But you’re not here to steal all the fame: tag along, help your team, and they’ll help you find your master! Just don’t ask the Triton what they taste like or else they’ll give you the spray bottle.

(Artwork by Chelserella on DeviantArt.)

ALTERNATE BUILD OPTIONS

More Warlock Levels?

The only thing we really get out of level 10 Bard is Magical Secrets, but if you’re not interested in getting Haste all you really need for this build is 3 levels in Bard for Mantle of Inspiration (though 5 levels is ideal for Font of Inspiration.)

You can take more levels in Warlock to get Mystic Arcanum, more Warlock slots, and more Eldritch Invocations. You also get Collector’s Call which is a very strong ability that’s sadly held back by its casting requirement. If you’re planning on going heavier on Warlock instead of splitting this build 50 / 50 than get expertise in Persuasion! You’re absolutely going to need it to cast Collector’s Call reliably.

The other important thing to note is that Warlock honestly doesn’t have that many supportive spells in its kit, especially when you’re not playing Divine Soul. Dropping Bard levels means you’ll lose spells like Mass Cure Wounds. You’ll also have far fewer spell slots to cast your lower level Warlock spells, which does mean more 5th level spells but it also means less fun with spells like Misty Step, Dimension Door, and Polymorph.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #222

“hold your breath, my dear, we’re going under.”

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? No. Have you ever stayed online for a long time waiting for someone? Ha ha, yeah... I did that for Mini a lot when I was younger. Would you survive in prison? I can almost guarantee I'd find a way to kill myself, no. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Probably ketchup. What do you have a habit of doing when engaging in a conversation with someone? Obsess over if I'm making eye contact correctly. Like the WHOLE time I will be thinking about it. Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope? I had a lot of childhood cats run over, and that was always hard to see. As for coping, I just... did. What else do you do. Do you have a favorite classical composer? No. Mini skirts, slutty or stylish? Um, what you wear doesn't determine whether or not you're "slutty." They don't bother me. Do you like a partner who is clean cut or rugged? A mix. Pale or tan, which would you rather be? I like pale skin, I just don't like the texture of mine. The negative of pale skin is the fact you can see flaws more clearly. Is walking cats strange? (like walking dogs) No. What about kids on leashes? What do you think about that? That shit is wild. Teach your children better, or keep them in your sights at all times if they have some kind of condition that makes it challenging to teach them properly. How many piercings have you had, BESIDES ears, no one cares. Two. New tats in your near future? Whenever I myself have the money, my next tattoo appointment will be to enhance my Mark tribute one to better the galaxy texture. I love the guy who's done my tats so far, but there are better out there, and I don't feel he achieved my vision. This tattoo is WILD important to me; it has to be perfect. After that, a "new" tattoo probably won't happen until I have a job or I'm gifted money. How about piercings or re-piercings? "In the near future" is the criteria I'm guessing is still relevant? It depends on how quickly I lose enough weight for my collarbones to be clearly prominent to get dermals. I've been fucking stagnated for a year, though, so I don't know when the hell that's happening... Who would you like to hang out with? There's a lot of old friends and acquaintances that fit this. Next new thing you are wanting to try! Idk. Some sort of job I can actually accomplish. Would you ever visit a psychic medium? Definitely not; I don't believe they're legit. Are some days a waste of makeup? Um so idk if you know, author, but people wear makeup for their own satisfaction. If it makes you feel beautiful, then hell no it's not a waste. Do you watch any beauty gurus on YouTube? Okay I fucking adore Jeffree Star y'all. He's a goddamn Mood and inspirational as ALL hell in terms of his determination, work ethic, and open-mindedness. I watch everything he uploads ever, even though I'm not really interested in makeup. It's cool to watch though; it's an art to me. Do you have a PillowPet? No, but omfg. One of my favorite Christmas memories ever is the night my niece, when she was around two or so, was given one (or something like it?) the night before, we turned the lights out, and lit it up so the colorful stars were all over the room. She was absolutely marveling over it. That was the same night my sister revealed she was pregnant with my nephew, actually. That was a great night. Actually felt like a family. Do you have sleep paralysis? Thank FUCK no. Have you ever wanted an ex back, but found out they were dating someone? I've talked about Jason and Ashley before. God that was a bad. Bad. Fuck-ing. Time. Do you like Placebo? I don't listen to them. Has anyone ever carried you to bed? I mean as a kid, yeah. Idr as a teenager or adult. Would you rather have a wiener dog or an Italian greyhound? The greyhound. Dachshunds are precious, but as of semi-recently, I'm personally against breeding pets with damaging/unhealthy traits, and dachshunds are very susceptible to spine issues. Idk if greyhounds have any issues like that. Do your parents buy you most anything you want? Bitch we poor, no. What is the next craft you are going to make? Probably something for Sara for some special event. I don't think that's much of a spoiler, so I don't mind sharing it. Do you learn choreography easily? I was decent when I was a dance student, but no, I can promise you no. My memory is laughable. If you had to choose, would you rather be taller or shorter? Taller, I guess? Idk. Do you believe that Jesus will come back in your lifetime? No, I don't believe he ever will. What color is your winter coat? ... Shit dude, idr. Idk if I even have one, actually. What’s your favorite candy to receive on Halloween? Gimme all ur Reese's cups. Have you ever spent your birthday alone? No. Have you ever had a themed b-day party? I'm sure I did as a kid. Were you afraid of heights as a child? No. I am now tho. Which dollar store is your favorite? Here, Dollar Generals are everywhere and generally the preferred one, I believe. What food gives you diarrhea? Totally serious, most exceptionally "fancy" foods; by that, I assume things with lots of intricate spices and other ingredients. At least severe gas pains are almost guaranteed when I eat out somewhere. Have you ever had a lead role in a play? No. Ha ha man, I remember as an elementary school student though, we had a play where I SO wanted to be Snow White. What is the most fascinating part of nature? Evolution. I don't know how I once didn't believe in it. Would you ever go vegetarian? I am serious about returning to vegetarianism when/if I get to a weight I'm satisfied with (losing weight w/o meat is more difficult than with, particularly for an extremely picky eater). I wish I could be a total vegan, but I know I'm not capable of that. Once you actually learn about slaughterhouses and farm life... no. What berry is your favorite? STRAW!!!!!!!BERRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is your dream house? Something in the woods with a nice yard/outdoor decor, flowers, wildlife... What was the reason in you crying last? PTSD. Are there any movies in the theater that you’d like to see? The new IT and Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. What do you think of Coca Cola? It's my third-fave soda. What about polar bears? Gorgeous animals. I will R I O T if they go extinct. My best friend(s) are/is... Sara. When do you want to have your first kid? Never. I am faaar from cut out to be a mother. Which stovetop burner do you use the most? I don't cook, so. The times I've made eggs, uh... I think I use the bottom right? Do you use a dishwasher or wash dishes by hand? Ugh, we don't have one. What year did you graduate high school? 2014. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I should with how paranoid I am. What is your favorite gas station? Sheetz is the way to go down here. What have been some of your best garage sale finds? *shrugs* Idr the last time I went to one. Ever worked two jobs or more at once? Hell no. I wouldn't survive. How often do you check your email? Every day, mainly for school. What would you do if your ex came to you crying? It would depend on who. "The" ex, I don't give a fuck how I feel about him, he's getting a tight-ass hug because seeing him cry is awful, and I will always care about him to a certain degree. Well actually, I'd ask him before hugging; I don't know if he'd be fine with me touching him. Girt would get a big 'ole hug for sure. Juan, Tyler, and Aaron I'd ask if they wanted a hug. I'd definitely ask any of them if they wanted to talk/vent to me about whatever is wrong; I can't stand seeing people cry. What school do you go to, what grade? I'm a super late freshman in college. How do you feel about school? It's been a drastic change in my daily life and thus has caused stress, but nevertheless I'm ecstatic to be back because I'm actually making progress towards going somewhere. Are you still a virgin? So I know it sounds like it makes NO sense w/o details, but seriously, I don't know. We had "cheaty" ways to just barely skirt around it because at the time I was abstinent, but pretty sure at some point it became sex. Do you eat chips or crackers more? Man, I haven't had chips in a loooong time... though I love them, man. We have crackers at the house usually, and I snack on them occasionally. Is your bed next to a wall? Who doesn't have their bed against at least one?? Is your bed next to a window? There's one beside me against the wall. Do you have neat handwriting? I think so. The only thing I don't like is I write SOOOOOOOOOO slow. Would you rather be a singer or a dancer? Dancer. Would you rather be a musician or a painter? Painter. What did your hair look like in high school? Long and normally brown, but sometimes I dyed it black with colored highlights. Favorite flavor of hot chocolate? Normal?? What is your top priority in life? My happiness, probably. Have you ever made a gingerbread house? Yeah. Sucky ones, but they were gingerbread houses, lol. Do you prefer candy corn or conversation hearts? EW both are gross. Skeletons or scarecrows? I'll see you in the Skeleton War, fuckers. Who was the last non-relative woman you spoke to in person? My Writing teacher. What’s a topic you’ve drastically changed your opinion on? I did a TOTAL 180 on LGBT rights, and my former, intense pro-life stance has altered quite a lot to mostly pro-choice. What’s an achievement you hope to see humanity accomplish in your lifetime? Man, a lot... A total ban from plastic and finding an alternative for it would be great, as well as the cure of cancer and H.I.V. Make gay marriage legal worldwide. Make great progress on cleaning the oceans. I could go on and on. Do you know anyone who has a PhD? As far as personally, possibly. Like, obviously my doctors do. How do you feel when you’re the center of attention? *buys that red button that says "no" in various fashions solely for this occasion* Are you and your S/O Facebook official? She doesn't have a FB, but mine does say "in a relationship." Do you know anyone who works as a lawyer? Not that I know well anymore; a former best friend is in the process of becoming one, though. So proud of her. Which would bother you more: being told you’re not likable or being told you’re not sensible? Being told I'm not likable would really hurt. How many bedrooms does your house have? Two. Have you ever had a dream in which you died? Yeah. Does the thought of having wrinkles when you’re older upset you? Not really. Everyone gets them. Do you use Snapchat? No. Do you know anyone who’s struggling with addiction? Yes. What was your first job? And how long did you work there? I was a sales associate at GameStop. I was employed for like two months, but I worked very few days before I crumbled. Where is the last place you were other then where you are right now? School. How do you feel about the last person you kissed? I adore her. Lol, Lawl, Rotfl, Lmao, or Lmfao? (Which you use most) Lmao or lol. Have you/Do you know anyone that grows weed? Not knowingly to me. Do you really care about name brands? Not just for the sake of being a certain name; I do, however, care about the quality of brands, of course, such as taste for foods or being comfortable in clothes. Describe your favorite pair of jeans to me please. I don't have any. When I was actually slim though, I had a pair of maroon skinny jeans with a black dappling texture, and there were holes in them where the fabric was just black, and I loooooved them. Those and my leather boots was A Look. To wash in the shower, do you use a loofa? That's not the technical name for what I use according to Mom when I've called them that, but rather a body sponge or something like that, but it's like the same thing. Have you ever ridden on a horse? Yes, though not at a gallop or anything "real." Just at things like school fairs. Are you polite? I think I'm very polite, honestly. Do you prefer bright or muted colors? Bright, usually. Can you roll your tongue? I used to be able to after practicing all day once with a friend ha ha, but I haven't been able to for a long time. Definitely can't now with snake eyes. Are you a light weight when it comes to alcohol? No, apparently. Which accents can you emulate pretty well? British and country. How loud do you listen to music? Too loud, I know. Are you more awkward talking to people in real life or online? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, real life. I don't think I'm half bad online. Do you bruise easily? So easily that I was tested for anemia or whatever it's called where you bleed easily (the test was negative, thankfully). Despite feeling bruised, though, I usually don't have an actual mark. Have you ever bought pre-ripped jeans? All my jeans were. I hate plain, boring jeans. What are you most likely to spend money on? Tattoos, lol... I genuinely think I'm good with money, I feel because of the financial position I've grown up and lived in, although I have never had a stable source of income, so it's hard to really determine that yet. I'm quite sure I'll be fine, but I really do hope I handle my money well when I do and don't invest all my spendable (as in, not money that I'm saving for emergencies) money into just tats. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? Welcome to my life, lol. I'm at an age where it's starting to get embarrassing, but. Idk how to change it. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever heard somebody die of? *shrug* When was the last time you (dis)liked someone without really knowing them? I dunno. I try to not do that. When was the last time you wore a mask? What did it look like? Hell if I remember. I don't even remember wearing any on Halloween as a child. What comes up on your recommended list on YouTube? Mainly let's plays or music. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? Hell no, that wouldn't last long. How many true heart breaks have you had in your lifetime? One. Do you have any gay family members? My mom has a gay cousin. Who was the last person to sleep over at your house? Sara. Would you ever get a boob job? No; I don't care enough about them too. I wish they were smaller. I liked mine when I was a healthy weight, so, let's get back to that size, please. What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? Aaron, I think he actually is. Juan, trust me, he's not. Jason couldn't convince me he was gay even if he tried. I very highly doubt he'd be bi/pan, either. Girt, I would be surprised, but not like, immensely. I don't have a clue about Tyler and if he has any gay tendencies/history. Would you ever take someone back if you found out they cheated on you? NO SIR-REE. Do people ever compliment your eyes? Yeah. Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? I don't know. I used to feel REALLY strongly about porn just being a big 'ole fucking nope, but whatever man, we're sexual animals. Better you take care of urges yourself rather than, you know, raping someone or something. If I personally caught my s/o doing it, idk how I'd feel, but knowing me and my self-esteem, I'd feel I'd probably jump to the whole (if we were serious) "um hi I'm your fckng gf what am I not enough" thought path. I don't think I'd be livid, though. Ask the old Britt, and we would've broken up there, probably. Who’s the last person that hung up on you? *shrug* Do you have a common first name? Yeah. Have you ever been engaged? No. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? Four, currently. They're gonna be covered one day. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else’s property? No. Have you ever been punched? No. What do you usually order from Olive Garden? I will, without fail, get the spicy shrimp fritas and be the happiest human being on Earth. How do you feel about bats? I absolutely adore them. Do you get excited when you learn you have to dress up? Quite the opposite, actually. What brand of hair spray do you use? I don't use it. Do you like it when guys wear hats? I have zero opinion on this. Burger King, McDonald's, or Wendy's? I prefer Wendy's. If you type for awhile, do your fingers start to hurt? No. Are you the type of person who would study for a test for hours? No, I'm not. I generally don't even have to like, intensely study; I tend to learn upon reading things, or in like math, performing the actions just a couple times. "Studying" doesn't tend to work for me; if it gets to that point, it probably won't stick, regardless of how many times I try. Are you a lazy person? I hate admitting just how lazy I am. But I mean again, it also depends on what is at stakes. Does your house have a doorbell? Yes, though I actually don't know if the doorbell works... Favorite album? Ozzy Osbourne's Black Rain. Favorite farm animal? PIGS! Has your Facebook ever been hacked? No. Do you spell gray with an A or an E? I use the American spelling ("gray"). Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? I would be perfectly and entirely happy with purely money for my birthday, because that equals tattoos, lmao. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Have you ever played laser tag? Once on a double-date with Jason and our old roommates/friends. Do you ever share things on Facebook? Almost all I do are share things I support, find funny, find as inspirational or cute, stuff like that. I can confidently say the majority of people I even have as "friends" on there do not care that much about my personal life. Is anyone you’re close to in the hospital right now? I mean, define "close." My grandmother's going through chemo, but we're not like... my definition of particularly "close," though she's close-ish family, so idk. Is your Wifi protected? Of course. What did you have for lunch today? I didn't eat lunch. How often do people write on your Facebook wall? On my birthday, lmao. Does your phone have a cover on it? No. I'd say I want one, but way more than that, I want a new phone. Mine is godawful. What color was your swim suit this year? I mean my most recently-worn is black, but I think it'd probably be too big for me now. I haven't swam in a long time. Do ladders scare you? Yes. Do you have any pictures of you and your friends in your bedroom? No. How do you eat Oreos? I'm one of those people that breaks the cookie to eat the cream first. Who or what sleeps with you? My cat Roman. Do you know anyone with the same name as you? Yes, but spelled differently. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? Honestly, it's become almost embarrassing to say I was ever pro-life. I'm vehemently pro-choice now. What color LED is the display in your car? Okay so Mom's has a rainbow of options, but I think it's currently stuck on... purple? I think? How am I unsure???? I'm in it every day?????????? Who was your first kiss with? Jason, my first "real" boyfriend. What kind of milk do you drink? I'll drink anywhere between skim to whole milk, but I'm not really a fan of skim despite having grown up with it. What aren’t you afraid to stand up for? I'd stand up for gay rights if it killed me. Do you know anybody in the military? Loosely. What was the last hotel you stayed at? I don't have the slightest clue. Do you have any STDs? No. What’s your preferred salad dressing? YO the Olive Garden dressing is b o m b. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver? No. Who’s your celebrity crush? I'm almost 24 years old ha ha ha hahaha I'm too old for a celebrity crush aha hahaa haa aahha ah hahaaaaaaaaaaaaa- What color is your fridge? Black. Do you know the metric system well enough to live in Canada? No, admittedly. What was the biggest bruise you’ve ever had? Tell me the place (on your body) and the story of it! Idr. If you have Etsy account - show the very last item you added to the favorites. If not - either skip or just visit Etsy and find one thing you like: I think I have one, but I don't use it. I don't feel like looking. What would you do if you knew that you will be single to your very death (even if you’re in a relationship now)? Nothing would change...? My relationship status doesn't alter my goals and such. Are there any exchange students at your school? We have a LOT of foreign students at my school, so I'd assume so. Have you got any half or step siblings? I have three (actually four, but I don't know one tho) half-siblings and technically a step-brother, but I don't see him as a "brother," really. What cars do your siblings drive, if they do drive? My older sister has a red car, and my younger has a... black Kia, I think? It's dark is all I know for sure, and I only know the brand because it's new. I don't live with either or see their cars frequently elsewhere, so idk. What about your parents? Idk what kind my dad drives, but BOY do I know my mom's car, lmao. It's an older white Kia (I think?) with the bumper fuckin zip-tied onto the car bc it was given to us after a dance friend hit a poor deer, lmao. Look, we don't complain, shit was free. Do you like kid’s movies? Yo I do NOT trust you if you claim you like NO "kids' movie." Describe your handbag. I'm actually gonna look it up. (https://sourpussclothingwholesale.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/night-owl-bag.jpg?w=584&h=364) When was the last time you had to take someone home? ME, never. I don't have my license because I'm terrified of driving. Who was it, and where did you take them home from? N/A Have you ever known someone online and then met them in person? Sara Jaaaaaane!!! :'> There are other friends I'd like to meet, too. If so, which website did you meet on? Sara and I met via YouTube when it was actually community-oriented. Have you ever been to the beach? Yeah, multiple times. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Yeah, I guess. She didn't actually like, force me outside, but I had to call my mother to pick me up. Have you ever intentionally trolled? No. Did you get swine flu? No. What is your favorite type of cat? Aesthetically, I find Persians to be way too cute, though I don't support their continued breeding. It's literally abuse to breed animals that deformed. Do you support the LGBTQ community? I'm bisexual, so like- Have you ever eaten a veggie burger? Yeah, the Morningstar brand from Burger King (not the Impossible Burger one). It's genuinely not bad. If you could meet any major political figure, who would it be? I'm not educated enough on like, any, to properly answer this question. If you drink Monster, what is your favorite flavor? N/A Do you own any Webkinz stuffed animals? I was that Bad Bitch(tm) with like,,,, almost all of them back in the day. If so, do you have a Webkinz online account? It exists, but idr the password sobs. If you had/have a Club Penguin account, how old were you when you got it? I would have a character for like two days, not go back on for years, repeat a couple times... but idk how old I was. Do you own any Nintendo video game consoles/handhelds? GameBoys and a DS Lite, yes. What religion were you raised in? Roman Catholicism. Are you still that religion, if you had one? Far from it. What religion/spiritual path intrigues you the most, if any? Buddhism and Wicca. What ancient culture intrigues you the most, if any? Idk. Were/are you a teacher’s pet? Not like, the kind that sucked up to the teacher for their personal benefit, but if you mean just as in the teacher's favorite, yeah. Do you like pink lemonade? Hell yeah man. What’s your favorite U2 song, if you have one? I don't listen to them. Were your parents born in the United States? Yeah. Do women breastfeeding in public make you feel uncomfortable? I want it to be perfectly and violently clear that I fucking despise you if a child being fed fucking offends you. Why or why not? Because women's bodies aren't sexual fucking objects designed for your viewing pleasure. Write an unpopular/offensive opinion of yours here. I’m interested. Buckle up, lads. Seatbelts fastened? Ass properly in the seat? Airbags in place? There are two genders.

[theblackdragon-studios]

The Dragon Prince Tag

I wasn’t tagged...but I saw this and I had to fill it out. I am obligated by my own laws about quiz taking to do so. Sorry. (I read from the one I got this from that it was made by @ true-neutral-earth-elf)

Rules: Answer all 25 questions to the best of your ability, then tag 5 other blogs.

#1. Which Primal Source Do you identify most with? Why?

The official quiz said Ocean, and I agree. At least for now.

Moon is a good second guess though.

#2. Elves or Humans?

Dragons. *shot* Uh...I can’t really choose right now. We’ve only seen the human side of the conflict so far. I want to see the elf side of things before I choose a side.

#3. If you had to choose, would you rather free Runaan from the coin or Aaravos from the mirror?

...I know I’m basically an Aarahoe...and it’s very obvious by the era title “Return of Aaravos” he’s going to break free...but I still don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

But Runaan...I’ll get into my opinion on him later. I’ll just say the one reason I’d have for freeing him right now is because of Rayla. If she asked, I’d try.

#4. Best animal companion?

Oh don’t make me choose! Um, Bait is the obvious choice because he’s got the most personality. Ava’s also a good girl though...and Phoe-Phoe is a beautiful Moon Phoenix! Oh and then there’s the Aarapod/Wormavos...but if I had to choose, I guess Bait.

EDIT: Actually Berto the parrot! Best animal companion! XD

#5. Best humanoid companion?

To have as your own? Also a tough choice...since they’re all good choices. Except Fen. *shot*

#6. You can revive one character, who is it and why them?

That’s also a tough one...Sarai seems like a good choice, based on what we saw of her...but almost every death in this show is for a reason that leads to major story choices. So...probably no one.

#7. Otp?

Please note this is my opinion. Not yours. If you disagree, that’s fine, but none of my choices are meant to be controversial.

Rayllum. I don’t care if they end up canon, not to the extent I’ll meme or throw a fit or something if it does or doesn’t, but they have the best chemistry I’ve seen in a cartoon in a while.

Other pairings I like:

Amaya x Gren-This is very unlikely given the age gap...I know they’re just close friends as we’ve seen, but it seems nice as a background ship to me.

Harrow x Sarai-Do I need to explain?

Harrow x Viren-Again, I know they were just friends but...it’s also a nice thought. What if they were? You know? (Alternatively: Harrow, Sarai, and Viren could be interesting to think about in an AU too)

Viren x Aaravos-Not super into this one...because this is a Toxic relationship with a capital T if you only look at canon footage. But the fandom has made some interesting “What if it was like this” content...and I love both Viren and Aaravos as characters. Just not their dynamic so far.

Aaravos x Reader/Self-Insert/OC-Aaravos x Anyone really, but I love the self-inserts and “x Reader” stories and headcanons. I’m a part of the problem of course...but that’s beside the point.

Viren x Reader/Self-Insert/OC-I see less of him than any of the main cast in this area, for good reason, but what I have seen...I support you and wish there was more out there. He wasn’t always who he is now.

#8. Unpopular opinion?

1.) Ok, probably the most unpopular...I’m not a huge Runaan fan. I don’t dislike him, don’t get me wrong. I’m just kind of indifferent. I like that he’s an uncle figure to Rayla and that’s really sweet...but I’m just not as interested in him or Tinker as what looks to be a lot of the fandom. Again, I don’t dislike them at all, but I don’t have strong feelings yet either. (That is a bit hypocritical since I know just as much, if not less, about Aaravos...but he intrigues me. There are so many mysteries surrounding him and he’s being built up big time...starting with his role as narrator. I’m not seeing that with Runaan. Sorry.)

2.) Viren is my favorite character, hands down. He’s the most interesting and such a refreshing take on an old idea. I don’t love to hate him for this either, like I do a lot of my favorite villains in the media I consume. I genuinely like him as a character, and that adds to my conflict on how to feel about Aaravos...

3.) I really hope Harrow isn’t Pip (the bird.) I think Pip escaped, but it’s not Harrow. It’s just Pip...whom Ezran can still communicate with if they go that route.

I also hope Callum isn’t half-elf. I don’t know if that’s unpopular, but it just feels like an easy way out. The show doesn’t feel like they’d do that when they’re trying to say Dark Magic is an easy way out, a short cut instead of spending years learning runes and the philosophy of the magic you study.

#9. Favorite headcanon?

More of a theory...but the one that Crowmaster is an Earthblood elf in disguise. I really like that.

Also all the Aaravos headcanons. Some are super cute, others are fuel for my angsty, sadistic writer’s heart.

#10. Best siblings pair?

Both the Broyals and the One Brain Cell Siblings. I won’t choose between them, they’re both great.

#11. Who’s your Queen?

...We haven’t seen the Dragon Queen yet...so I won’t say her in case she’s insane from grief or something... Uh...man, I don’t know. I’ll stay undecided for now.

#12. Lujanne offers you ice cream, how do you respond?

Is it Bubblegum flavored?

#13. Be honest, do you have the guts to use dark magic?

The guts? Maybe. The drive? Not really. My only reason to use it would be to test my theory if everyone goes through what Callum did when he used it. That weird dream where he had to choose. But that’s coming from someone that knows the consequences of Dark Magic and all the comparisons being made about it.

It’s like smoking, it’s like cancer, and for me it’s like killing household pests. When I started out, I was very hesitant about how hard to swat when killing flies that got in the house. Now, I use full force from so much time doing so. It got easier and easier and now it’s almost second nature.

That’s how I would describe the use of Dark Magic. Why it’s so easy for Viren to kill with it, why it gets easier for Claudia to as well...just my thoughts.

#14. Who’s best elf? Why?

I’m not sure yet. Rayla’s the only one that hasn’t insulted humanity in some way so far...but because I’m biased and thirsty: Aaravos (XD)

#15. Hot brown morning potion or leaf flavored water?

Hot brown morning potion WITH chocolate mixed in. Otherwise, I’ll take your flavored water.

#16. Best use for magic?

It depends what type. I’ll go with illusions for...personal reasons. Related to a certain starry elf in a mirror...

#17. Who wins the best hair award?

Does Thunder count? I mean look at that beard! *shot* I dunno...I like them all. But Harrow, Viren, and Aaravos (ofc) stand out most when I think about hairstyles.

#18. Viren; misguided, evil, or actually the good guy?

It’s hard to say right now...everyone raises some good points...but it’s too early to say. Is he just power-hungry? Seeking control? Wants to take control of the East side, the magical side of Xadia, for a selfish reason? Or was he being honest when he claimed to love the kingdom? That war is coming and they need to take action?

What we know from the creators is Viren’s main goal or dream is to “get his name in the history books” though I could have worded that wrong. Basically I’ll just say...he’s clearly the villain. Maybe he didn’t start out that way, but by now he’s definitely willing to do whatever it takes to get his way. Is it a good cause? I don’t know yet...but I can’t say he’s a good guy or the Good Guy at this point.

#19. Would you rather fly with Phoe-Phoe, hike with Corvus, sail with Villads, or stay home with Opeli?

I would love to fly, but Villads is just the best...and I like Corvus but I hate hiking...Phoe-Phoe or Villads.

#20. Who’s your crush?

Isn’t it obvious? Viren, of course. *shot* I mean like I said...I like him...but it’s obviously Aaravos.

#21. You’re being chased by a cotton candy hippo; reaction?

Confusion. And I run.

#22. Choose a champion.

I don’t get this one...

#23. Favorite scene? Why?

It’s hard to choose just one... All Viren and Aaravos’ scenes are great...but I’ll go with the scene where Callum is reading King Harrow’s letter. That is my favorite moment.

A more humorous answer: Anything with Villads, but I love his introduction.

#24. Should Soren be a poet?

I mean who am I to judge? I think people that complain about “bad poetry” need to lighten up about it.

#25. Soggy Socks. (No more context)

...I think that’s the metaphor. Villads is the only reason this is ok to me.

Tags: I only have one friend I know in the TDP fandom who won’t mind being tagged...so: @allykatsart and anyone else that wants to fill it out.

[do-your-socks-have-holes-in-them]

Til the End of the Night / Ch10: In which the forest’s trials begin (*insert ominous music here*)

Previous / Masterpost / Next 

Summary:  Patton makes some friends. Logan makes complicated arcane machines. Virgil makes a misstep.

Warnings:  fear/paranoia, injury, harm to an animal (but it's okay), vague body horror?, mentions of death, and some pretty intense danger

A/N: oh a cliffhanger? :D

AO3

Logan was on his fifth “room,” and beginning to wonder just how big this semi-artificial cave system was.  The puzzles were getting more complex, but all had to do with drawing magical symbols on things.  He was beginning to recognize some of them: this one allowed a machine to draw on a nearby source of magic, this one could teleport an object from one position to another, this one made something translucent so light could pass through it, this one created light like a more powerful version of his glow-bottle.  All required magical energy to function.  He moved from chamber to chamber, forming arcane circuits and manipulating physics. This was the most he’d enjoyed himself since entering the Imagination.  There were only two things dampening his mood: the fact that everything was still magic, and his concern for how Virgil and Patton were getting on without him.

Hopefully, they were still in the clearing, and would have the sense to wait for him there.  He didn’t have much faith in their common sense when left to their own devices, though, especially Patton.  He would just have to get through the rest of this as quickly as possible so he could find them before they got into too much trouble.

Patton felt much better now that he was making progress. He’d been following his little path for a while now, and it had yet to lead him to a dead end.  And this part of the forest was so much nicer than where they’d all been before!  Sure, it was a little foggy beyond the edges of the sunlit trail, and a tad quieter than he would have expected, but otherwise it was a beautiful day.  He wished his friends were with him to see it, too, but he wouldn’t dwell on that, they would find each other soon enough. Besides, although he knew it wasn’t the same, he seemed to be making more friends out of just about everything around here.  At the moment, for example, there was a small hot-pink bird with tiny antlers perched on his shoulder, tugging on his hair as if trying to eat it, which kind of hurt, but it was just so cute he wasn’t going to complain, and some kind of fluffy, soft-looking pastel blue rodent at his feet which wouldn’t let Patton pick it up, but seemed happy to run along next to him and keep him company.

He came to a fork in the path and stopped, rubbing his chin and making a thoughtful pout.  “Hmm… Well, either way will probably get me out of here eventually… but I still want to get out as soon as possible so I can find my friends!  What do you think, Mr. Fluffles?”

The animal blinked at him, and seemed slightly affronted by the nickname.  Still, it looked between the options and then darted over to one of the two branches, looking up at him expectantly.

“Aw, thank you!”

He headed in that direction, confident that his small, furry guide knew what it was talking about.  It seemed almost impatient now, darting around his legs as if to urge him forward, and he laughed and tried not to trip over it.  The further he walked, the more magical his surroundings became: giant dandelions nearly as tall as he was and mushrooms large enough to sit on, interspersed with bushes covered in brightly colored fruit.  On impulse, Patton grabbed a bright yellow berry and popped it in his mouth.  It tasted like lemonade, the flavor of the fruit without its sourness, but the next one he tried was closer to a mango.  Maybe they were all different?  He gathered a few handfuls and filled his cloak’s inner pockets with various colors to snack on as he walked.  A voice in the back of his head told him he wouldn’t have been able to do that with Virgil with him, who would have swatted his hands away in case they were poisonous, but he squashed it down- he’d rather have his friends than some berries any day.  He offered one to the bird and kept walking.

Roman smiled a little, then sighed with an unreadable mix of emotions, stepping back from his mirror and dispelling the image once again. He was really starting to wish he’d given it split-screen capabilities.  It was bad enough that his friends were separated and he had no idea what had happened- that would teach him to listen when Logan told him to go to bed- but the fact that he couldn’t watch them all at once was even worse, because what if something important were to happen when he wasn’t looking?  He would hate to miss one of them finally doing something really cool, or… well, he’d rather not follow the other possible train of thought there, for fear of turning into Virgil.  That wouldn’t do at all.  One of him was quite enough.

He paused for a long moment, listening carefully to make sure the witch wasn’t going to walk in on him, which also wouldn’t do.  He hadn’t seen her so far today- she was probably busy enjoying her stupid new castle- but it couldn’t hurt to make sure.  Speaking of Virgil, he was the one Roman was most concerned about.  Patton didn’t appear to have found any trouble at all, thank goodness, and Logan looked like he was actually having a good time for once now that he’d somehow managed to turn perfectly good magic into a bunch of nerd stuff, but Virgil had been exceptionally tense last time Roman tuned in to him, and was probably having his worst time since coming here.  Roman had a surprising amount of sympathy for him: the anxious side clearly thought himself responsible for the safety of the other two, just as Roman felt responsible for putting them in this situation at all, only he didn’t even have any way of knowing they weren’t currently in terrible danger without him. He reached for the mirror to check on him again, and hoped he hadn’t worried himself into shutting down.

Virgil was scanning the forest around him for danger so rapidly he wasn’t sure any of what he saw was actually registering in his brain. It had gotten a little easier to move forward once he resigned himself to the one path he was apparently meant to take, but he was also getting tired after pushing through thick brush for such a long time without finding anything of interest, and almost wished something would happen just to break the painful tension of waiting.  Key word: almost.  He may not have been Roman, but he was genre-savvy enough not to tempt fate like that. At the sudden sound of something disturbing the bushes nearby, he came this close to screaming and/or throwing his knife at it before he caught a glimpse of red-brown fur near the ground.  Just a squirrel or something.  He stood still for a moment to recover from that near-heart attack, rubbing a hand over his face and taking some deep breaths as he reminded himself what he needed to do: stay calm, find the others, get out of here.  The forest didn’t seem to like him stopping, and thorns pricked at the back of his legs through his clothes, reminding him to keep moving.  He exhaled harshly.  He was this close to cursing out the entire Imagination.

It was arguably fortunate, then, that he didn’t have to struggle through much longer before he stumbled out into a clearing.  His shadows swirled around him as he stopped and looked around suspiciously at the almost perfectly circular space enclosed by a solid mass of thorns, and he took a bit of comfort from the reminder that he could protect himself if he had to.  With a suspicious glance at the not-quite-there movement in the darkness of the forest around him, he slowly stepped into the middle of the clearing, as far as possible from the threatening shapes either glimpsed or imagined. There must be a way out, to continue whatever path he was being herded along- he tried to remember which way he’d come from as the thorns rapidly closed up the gap behind him.  Knowing this place, though, and its apparent hatred for him, it would probably screw him over as much as possible before letting him go.

“Shut up, shut up,” he whispered to himself with a quick shake of his head, trying to rein his mind in before it could, quite literally, give the Imagination any more ideas.  He was just going to make it worse thinking like that.  There was probably just something he was missing, right? Like a patch where it wasn’t quite as thick and he could push through, or a- a secret trapdoor, or…

Something was in the trees.

He would’ve tried to convince himself it was just a shadow, but there was no way, because shadows didn’t make terrifying breathing noises and crush the foliage around them as they moved.  He felt almost vindicated, but also, y’know, terrified.  He turned in a slow, careful circle, tracking it as it passed.  It… didn’t look like it had noticed him.  The thing was bigger than any animal he’d ever seen, nearly three times his height, and it wasn’t shaped like anything familiar, either.  Not that he could make it out very well.  He did his best to keep from speculating.

Virgil waited, holding his breath, as the massive creature made its slow, destructive way past the clearing he was in.  He finally allowed himself a quiet sigh of relief once it seemed to be gone.  Maybe that was this place’s way of showing him how to keep going?  He might be able to reach the path it had left if he pushed through the remaining layer of thornbushes, and then he could easily get to wherever it had come from, assuming nothing else went wrong.  Which was not an assumption Virgil generally made. Still, the alternative was staying in the clearing forever.  He took a small step towards the edge of the trees.

And stepped on a stick that hadn’t been there before. Which broke with an unreasonably loud crack.

The next sound Virgil heard was the deafening atonal screech of that thing, and he barely threw himself out of the way in time as it charged at him.  Apparently it was not only the size of a small house, but also really fast when it wanted to be… and if the glimpse of it he managed to get could be trusted, it had more than should be allowed of both limbs and teeth. Nope nope nope.  He rolled when he hit the ground and made a break for the newly created opening the instant he was upright again.  His magic was gathered even more thickly around his limbs now, but he didn’t have time to spare it a thought at the moment as long as it didn’t slow him down.  He was a little too busy running for his life.

Logan was fairly certain he was getting close to the end. Or, at least, he wasn’t sure how much further things were capable of escalating from here…  There were far too many symbols in play to reliably keep track of in his head, so he was glad he’d been writing them down as he figured out what they were for.  He started the veritable Rube Goldberg machine of magic he’d just finished setting up and watched everything work precisely as intended, finally opening a door in the wall larger than any of the previous ones.  He walked through and found himself in darkness- evidently, the torch he’d been carrying from room to room wouldn’t be enough to light this particular space.  That was no problem, however, once he saw a place for one of his spheres on the opposite side of the door from the torch bracket, marked with what he now knew to be the rune for light.  Once activated, a bright glow spread in all directions along a series of “wires,” and Logan gasped.

This had to be the final puzzle.  The room was absolutely massive, and a good third of the stone mechanisms that filled it were already moving- timing would be essential here.  It looked like the fantasy version of a particularly difficult Portal level, honestly.  The ceiling was so high it was hard to tell what was up there, but one thing he could make out was a door.  Evidently, he was supposed to get himself up there somehow.  He readjusted the strap of his bag to make it more secure and looked up with a half-smile, already working out the relationships between the different parts.

“Finally, a real challenge.”

Patton was starting to get a little teensy bit tired of walking when he turned a corner and stopped in his tracks.  Just a few feet in front of him, not quite hidden in the brush by the path, was a red fox. When it saw him standing there, it looked up and whined.  Patton approached it carefully and crouched down.

“Hey there, little guy… oh no, what happened to you?” Now that he was closer, he could see why the fox wasn’t running away, even though it didn’t seem as trusting as the other animals he’d been meeting: one of its legs was hurt.  He tried to get a better look, but it got nervous and limped a bit further into the bushes.  “I’m not gonna hurt ya, I just want to help,” he soothed.  The fox looked wary, but stopped backing away, almost as if it understood what he was saying.  “That’s it… will you let me see?”

It remained still as he moved closer again.  After a moment’s hesitation, it sat down awkwardly, holding the injured leg so he could see it.  The poor little fox seemed to have gotten on the wrong side of an especially thorny plant.  Patton put his hand out slowly.  The fox regarded it uncertainly and sniffed at him, then nudged its head into his palm like a cat, seeming to accept him.  (Between Patton’s limited knowledge of wild animals and the weirdness of the rest of the forest, he saw nothing strange about this.)  “Aww,” he squealed as quietly as he could manage.  “You’re so soft and pretty, yes, you are!”  He petted the fox’s head and ears, and while it was distracted, reached for the injury with his free hand.

The fox startled at his touch, and even more at the realization that its leg no longer hurt.  Patton pulled back and smiled at it, wincing a little when his weight shifted. “There, isn’t that better?  I told you I would help!”  The fox took a step forward and licked his hand, then darted away into the forest.  He watched it go and gave himself a minute to just sit on the ground before getting up. He’d been walking for a while, after all…  Hopefully there wasn’t too much further to go.

Virgil had no way of knowing it, of course, but he looked really cool right now.  Like an action movie hero… or possibly the protagonist of Temple Run.  It wasn’t nearly as much fun to experience in real life.  His lungs were on fire, as was every muscle in his body. He couldn’t keep going like this much longer.  He could barely stay ahead of the thing chasing him, and the branches smacking him in the face and nearly tripping him as he ran weren’t helping.  He vaulted over a large rock without slowing down and risked a glance over his shoulder.

It was a mistake.  The creature was right on his heels, lunging at him, one wrong step away from tearing him to pieces.  A new burst of panic-fueled energy coursed through his limbs at the sight.  He turned back to the path ahead, pushing himself even faster-- only to skid to a stop and whirl around again when that path ended suddenly in a sheer drop.  He looked around frantically for another way out, but there was nothing.  Even the way he’d just come was closing up at an impossible rate.  He was trapped.  Just the monster in front of him, the forest far, far below him, and Virgil trembling with exhaustion and adrenaline at the edge of a cliff.  

Time slowed down.  In the half-second remaining before, presumably, his very unpleasant demise, he tried to shield his face with his arms… and found himself staring at his hands, or at least, the area where he knew they should be.  They were barely visible, actually- difficult to make out through the dense cloud of his magic that obscured them.  There was no time to think about the spark of an idea that gave him; he just acted.  With death quite literally looking him in the face, now mere inches away, Virgil dropped into a defensive crouch with his eyes shut tight, felt a surge of magic wrap around his body, then turned and threw himself off the cliff.

[arodrwho]

in theory i love & support absolutely all nd hcs basically ever, & esp nd m9 hcs

but in practice there are some nd m9 hcs that strike me as just 100% unequivocally wrong

these hcs include:

adhd allistic caleb

adhd allistic caduceus

and autistic non-adhd fjord

& they are because:

caleb is the most autistic-coded character i have ever seen literally why on earth would u ever point at this man & go “no. no, this man is adhd instead” why would u do that that makes absolutely no sense. i understand if for projection reasons u like to hc him as both? that is a concept that makes sense to me? like. don’t get me wrong, i disagree very strongly--but i support u in ur endeavors! have fun! but if u solely hc him as Only ADHD that’s just completely bananasauce & i will Not stand for it

caduceus is also very very autistic, & i can understand interping him as adhd as well bc he does have some traits that’re easy to attribute to inattentive-type specifically? i strongly disagree & view those traits as being due to The Autism but i can super see how adhd is a v possible & compelling concept here. but again like. if ur rly sittin here trying to tell me w/ur whole-ass mouth that he’s only adhd i’m afraid i just do not understand How u can possibly think this

fjord, by contrast, is the most adhd dude to ever adhd & while if i squint i can see how he might maybe read as autistic, i’m afraid i Just Don’t See It in actuality. like, i can put together the pieces that i’m sure other folks must be picking up on, & i wish them the best of luck on their quests & all that, but just--i don’t agree, & i super do not agree w/the notion that that dude is Only Autistic & Not At All ADHD bc that’s just Nope

other hcs that strike me as incorrect but w/less Inherent Wrongness:

adhd allistic jester/autistic non-adhd jester

wrong bc she is Clearly Both y’all wtf (though adhd allistic honestly i can understand? like it’s wrong imo but her adhd does tend to be a little louder)

adhd allistic beau/autistic non-adhd beau

same thing, but adhd allistic i understand Much Less for beau bc her autism is Very Very Loud)

adhd allistic yasha

she’s jus autistic y’all. ma yyybe there’s some impulsiveness in there, ashley did talk abt that a little on the last talks, i can vaguely understand autistic adhd-ph yasha, sort of, tho i think i disagree, but in any case like. if y’go that route. y’gotta acknowledge the autism part. bc primarily that’s an autism u know. like jus look at her. she’s autism

adhd allistic nott/autistic non-adhd nott

listen all nott hcs are especially valid bc nott’s brand of neurodivergence is so goddamn ambiguous it feels near-impossible to concretely pin down sometimes--but like, she’s both though. she’s got traits of both so she’s both & maybe some other things too who knows!! & since she’s so...ambiguously odd all the time, it’s kinda like. why not make her both u know. embrace the complexity. jus rly lean the fuck into it (alternatively: jus slap a big ol “?????? idk but def ND” label on her forehead & call it good. that also is acceptable)

idc what flavor of nd u hc molly as but if u think he’s not dyslexic ur wrong

also if u think caduceus is not dyslexic ur wrong there too, so jot that down aswell

in conclusion: all nd hcs are super great & valid & junk & i would never go up to someone’s face & tell them their hc is wrong & everyone should jus cling to whatever hcs make them happy personally

but also i am very very opinionated and sometimes hcs Feel incorrect as a result & so. this poste

[crimsxnrebellion-blog]

Crashing Down

[(Alternate Title: Dante Should Have Listened to Jojo's song, "Little Too Late")

Basically, an AU of what could happen between Dante and Lady because they're both dumb (especially Dante).

So...I fought with myself to even post it. It started out as me working through my emotions through Dante and Lady and kept going. Thus, this has a bit of personal flavor to it, and it took me a bit to even convince myself to finish it or make it anything postable in the first place. So, here's my emotional drivel as I try to cope with my own bad decisions and cowardice. :’3]

Lady’s tone when she called half an hour ago unsettled him. Normally, when she said, “we need to talk,” annoyance or anger burst forth in every syllable and several curses or name calling followed. He could perfectly picture the scowl settled on her features as she straddled her motorcycle or paced in her apartment. Occasionally, a sadness crept into her tone. But, this mostly happened if she had her mother or what happened in that tower that changed their lives forever on their mind. But, this time, little emotion accompanied her request to come over. Her statement a simple answer to his why.

Thus, when she entered the shop dressed in a form fitting black dress with heels and makeup on, fingers worrying the clutch in her hands, the demon hunter raised an eyebrow and clenched his jaw to keep it from dropping. She looked gorgeous. She always did, in all honesty, but he rarely saw her in clothing other than her hunting attire. She glowed in that moment, the only thing dampening her radiance was the obvious worry that creased her brow.

“You come all this way dressed up to ask me on a date or something?” He grinned as the legs of his chair scraped at the wood floor below him. “Well, you’ll have to give me a bit to get ready. I haven’t even showered today.”

She rolled her eyes, and he swore he saw her lips quiver as she tried not to smile. “Don’t be an idiot. I’m going on a date but not with your sorry ass. And quit staring. I have something I want to tell you, to get your opinion.”

Dante stopped midstep, hand resting over his heart. “Wha-what? The brilliant, know-it-all Lady needs my advice?”

“Dante!” Lady stamped her foot, her heel clicking on the wood floor instead of the normal thud her boot would make. “I’m serious! For once, can you cut the crap?”

“Alright, alright.” He couldn’t help but chuckle as he raised his hand in surrender. “What’s got your probably sexy lace panties in a bunch?”

The woman remained silent for at least a full minute, bi color eyes staring anywhere except at her hunting partner. “Let me just preface this by saying I know it’s going to seem a little soon...”

Dante clapped his hand to his mouth. “You’re asking me to marry you?”

“Dante!”

“Okay, okay. Go on.”

She huffed and squeezed her clutch. He figured she was trying her hardest not to chuck it at his head. “You’re on the right topic, at least.” She sucked in a breath and finally met his gaze. “You remember that guy I started seeing, Nick? I brought him over for Christmas to meet all of you?”

Just hearing his name made him want to roll his eyes. His demon growled in jealousy, possessiveness, but he couldn’t fully blame his devil. He remembered that night clearly. How his mood had tanked all night, that loud, fake laughter he had to perform at the guy’s lame jokes to avoid Lady’s glares. Holding back every nasty comment about his clothes, his stature, his physique, his bland personality, how he didn’t treat Lady exactly how he felt she should be treated. The seventh bottle of whiskey he went through before pretending to be too drunk to function and escaping to his room to lick his wounds and fume.

“Sure. The dude who forbid you from talking to me when you first started...dating or whatever you want to call it.” His mind was so clouded by his jealousy, he didn’t put two and two together. “Figured you’d dump him for trying to pull that shit.”

“Dante, I talked to him. He backed off on that. He knows you’re my partner and that we’re close friends.” Another roll of her eyes. “But I didn’t come here to argue with you about this again. The thing is...I think he’s going to propose to me.”

Though he should have seen it coming, the news sank his heart to the pit of his stomach. It felt like his ribcage was closing around his lungs and trying to puncture them. “Would you say yes?” he croaked before he could stop himself. No, she couldn’t get married. Not to some bland idiot like this Nick guy. And Lady settling down? Starting a family? He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. She had always been the badass demon hunter to him. The beautiful, amazing, compassionate, irresistible demon hunter.

The question obviously caught her off guard as she blinked and stuttered over how to respond. “Well, yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

Dante could list a million reasons. “I dunno...guess it just seems...sudden.”

“You think it’s too soon?” Her eyes shone as they pleaded with him for guidance. He was the last person she should have this conversation with, knowing his track record. Not to mention he suddenly felt like he needed to vomit on top of the dagger she had metaphorically shoved into him.  

“I’m scared. Really. Me...married.” She laughed, a nervous sound he had never heard come from her. She almost always radiated confidence, and when she didn’t, he helped her build it back up. “But, I really want this. I love him. I’m comfortable with him, and you know that doesn’t ever happen. He accepts me, shitty past and all.”

A twist of the dagger. She loved him. She loved Nick. She didn’t love him. He swallowed the lump in his throat. Panic settled in and pumped his heart a million beats per second. Fight or flight instincts told him to bolt and bolt quick. But he stood rooted to the spot, eyes darting every which way as his mind processed some kind of response.

“Cool.” The aggravation in her expression told him that was the wrong response. “I mean...I’m uh, glad you found someone like that. If he makes you happy, I’m happy for you.”

A lie. A lie that tasted like the bitterest toxin. It wouldn’t kill him. That would be too merciful in that moment.  

Lady’s expression softened, a smile lighting up her features. She threw her arms around him. “Thanks, Dante. It means a lot. Really.” She pulled away. “I need to get going. I’ll tell you how it goes if it happens.”

He swallowed hard. “Yeah,” he muttered as he back moved toward the door. “Later.”

--------------------------------

Dante slammed his glass back down on the wooden surface of the bar, signaling to the bartender that he needed his whiskey topped off. Bullseye was fairly empty, especially for a Friday night. The jukebox in the corner crooned out Motley Crue’s “Don’t Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)” over the occasional laughter and muted conversations of the few others around him. While on a normal night he would hardly pay the other patrons much attention, his mind was so entrenched in his memory of his meeting with Lady a few hours before that his general aloofness became complete distraction.

He brushed his fingers through his snowy locks. If someone asked what he felt in that moment, he wouldn’t know what to tell them because he couldn’t begin to pin his emotions for himself. He was angry, at her, at himself, at Nick. Crushed and broken hearted. He felt stupid. Jealous. Guilty because he knew he should be happy for her. Happy that she would be getting the life she secretly longed for—marriage, a family, stability—but he just couldn’t bring himself to even pretend to be happy. The more he tried, the more it hurt.

“Yo, Dante. Did you even hear me?”

Ice blue eyes snapped up to the bartender, an old friend named Frank. A shorter guy with cropped gray-peppered brown hair and a knowledge of liquor to impress even the most refined conisseurs. He claimed that Dante was the reason he was able to keep the place open. That and the fact that it was connected to a seedy strip club. “Sorry. Got a lot on my mind is all.” He swiped up his glass and took a long swig. The burn hardly bothered him anymore. He set the near empty glass back down and watched as Frank refilled the amber liquid.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you had woman problems. And not just the usual ‘they took my money again’ woman problems.”

“Well, ya ain’t far off the mark,” he sighed, spinning a coaster in his hands before tossing it back on the bar. “Lady might be getting hitched.”

“Well, good for her,” Frank said, ducking under the bar to grab another few beers for the two guys sitting at the end. “It’s about time she found someone. A few years ago, I would have bet all I have that the two of you would end up together.”

Though he tried to keep it from his face, he could tell by how Frank balked that he wasn’t successful. He drained the rest of his whiskey. “I don’t know. It’s just...weird. And he’s not right for her. He’s so...plain and normal.”

Frank shrugged. “Maybe that’s what she wants. You two don’t exactly lead the most normal lives.” He picked up a bottle whose rose-tinted glass twisted like a cyclone all the way up the neck. Some fancy, overpriced vodka by the look of it. He twisted the bottle around to examine the label. “Though it sounds to me like you do wish she was marrying you.”

Dante didn’t answer right away, and he avoided Frank’s accusing stare in favor of peering into his glass as if it had all the answers. “It’s just...” He breathed out a breath between a sigh and a huff, searching for the right words. “I’ve...been in love with her for a long time. I know I have. But, I know she could never see me that way, and it could never work out between us. I’ve known that for a long time but I still feel shitty about all this. Like I want to be happy for her, I should be happy for her, but I’m not and it feels selfish.”

He knew he was speaking a mile a minute, jumping from one thought to the next. But, since Frank had given him a chance, every thought he had over the past few hours spewed from his mouth faster than he could shoot his prized pistols. Had it not been for his chuckling, Dante would assume he hadn’t caught a lick of it.

“What’s so funny?” he barked, swigging the rest of his drink. “I’m a mess over here and all you can do is laugh at my dumb ass?”

“Well, you got that right: you’re definitely dumb.” Dante flipped the bartender off as he refilled his whiskey. “If you loved her, why the hell didn’t you just tell her?”

“It’s complicated.” He thought she hated him. He knew she could never truly love someone who was half the creature she sought to rid the world of. He assumed she wanted to keep their relationship as professional as possible. He was basically a manifestation of trash who thrived on sex, pizza, strawberry sundaes, booze, and killing demons. While she could defend herself, he had a glowing target on his back with incandescent arrows pointing at him and screaming, “SON OF THE TRAITOR, SPARDA.” Anyone he brought into his life would be put in danger, and he could never live with himself if something happened to her because he wasn’t there. He couldn’t let that happen again. He had been too weak, too young the first time. He wouldn’t let someone else be killed because of him or his heritage if he could help it.

“I doubt she feels the same,” he finally settled on. He stared down into the amber liquid in the glass. “I doubt she could feel the same. I’m a mess. She deserves better than me, anyway.”

But even I’m better than Nick.

Frank’s sigh raised his gaze again. “Well, if that’s how you feel. Never took you to be the type with confidence issues considering how often I see you leaving with a woman on your arm.” He topped Dante’s glass off one last time. “Give yourself time. You’ll sort out your shit and be back to normal before you know it.”

Dante nodded and finished off his drink. His chest still weighed a thousand pounds. “Thanks, Frank.” He tossed money on the bar with a generous tip. “I’ll see you around.”

He pushed open the door of the bar and headed out into the balmy evening air. He considered going next door to Love Planet. Watch some girls take their clothes off while slinging back shots that wouldn’t really affect him for at least another hour. Flirt with scantily clad waitresses and take one home. Drown his sorrow and self-pity the way she had for the last few decades. Pretend he had never spoken to Lady or that the conversation didn’t leave him feeling utterly idiotic and empty. But his feet had a different idea and lead him back to his door, the neon sign above bathing the area in a pink glow.  

Inside, he flipped on the light and dragged his arms out of his coat. He tossed it on the hook and trudged over to the couch. He splayed out, feet jutting out over the edge and his arm dangling over the side. The fan spinning above him didn’t do much to ward off the night’s heat, but he hardly cared. His mind was too busy replaying Lady’s visit to fathom any discomfort.  

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he drew it out. A text from Trish about a job for him tomorrow. One she no doubt felt was beneath her, so she pawned it off on him. His eye was drawn to the time. 2:17 in the morning. He hadn’t realized he had been out so long. Lady would be home by now, probably sharing her bed with Nick. He could see her wrapped in his arms as he fucked her, hear her moaning his name as her nails dug into his acne-covered back, a rock the size of her fist on her left hand.  

He should tell her how he felt. Let it all out there. He could call her now and confess his love for her. Tell her it’s always been her he wanted. Her he wanted more than anything else in the world but he didn’t have the balls to tell her. He feared for her and feared that she couldn’t love him but he didn’t care about that anymore. He loved her, and no one could keep her safe better than him.

Before he knew what he was doing, he had scrolled through his few contacts and hit the green “call” button beneath Lady’s name. It rang twice. What was he doing? He wasn’t even drunk and he was acting like some idiot who got wasted and called his ex. He moved the phone from his ear and started to tap the “end” button when the ringing buzz ended, replaced but a soft but somehow beautiful sigh.

“Dante?” He hadn’t even placed the speaker back to his ear, frozen in place. Her voice was heavy with sleep; she had been out for a few hours. Maybe Nick wasn’t there after all. Maybe she told him no and sent him packing. His heart soared in a renewed hope for a second, unfreezing his stone limbs.

“Dante, if this is a joke, it isn’t funny. I’m trying to sleep.”

He placed the device back to his ear. “No, no. Don’t hang up.” He sucked in a breath as he heard the grumble of a male voice, jaw clenching as he made out something along the lines of, “are you kidding me? Hang up on him. It’s almost three in the morning, babe.”

Lady ignored him. For now. “Then, what do you want? Not all of us can survive on a few hours of sleep and naps throughout the day.”

“I...” He paused. He couldn’t tell her. Not with that fucker so close to her. Probably listening like the creep he was. “Can you come over?”

“Now? Seriously, Dante?” Her voice had softened, though, the sound soothing him. She could sense his distress. His voice lacked the bravado it normally possessed no matter how hard he tried to sound normal. “Can it wait until tomorrow?”

No, he had to do it now. If he waited, he would lose his nerve. “It’s urgent, Lady. I wouldn’t ask this of ya if it wasn’t important.”

Another sigh, the shift of springs. A protest from her bed mate. “Promise me it will be quick. I’ll be there soon.”

He clicked the phone off and returned it to his pocket. Common sense told him this whole thing was stupid. Ridiculous and juvenile. But he just...had to tell her. Get it off his chest. Maybe she felt the same after all. Maybe she had been waiting for him to tell her this after all these years because she didn’t know how to say it herself. Maybe he would ditch Nick and he his. Maybe...

He was getting ahead of himself. One step at a time. He needed to control his hopes, but, as the sound of a car parking up front and boots climbing the stairs reached his ears, he knew he was failing miserably at it. His heart beat picked up a hundred-fold as he stood up and watched her walk in the door.

“So, what’s so important that you had to drag me out of bed at two in the morning?” Her short, raven locks were disheveled from sleep, and she hadn’t bothered to change out of the shorts and tank top she wore to bed (though she did take the time to put on a bra, much to his dismay). She wore her usual boots, which to some would look horrendous, but to Dante, she looked like a goddess standing there. He was only snapped back to his mission when she yawned and raised her left hand to cover her mouth. The light glinted off the diamond and he swallowed a lump in his throat.

"There's something I gotta tell you. I needed to a long time ago but I was too chicken.” He studied her face as she quirked a brow in question. He rememorized every detail from the shape of her crimson and blue eyes, the pearlescent scar across her nose, the rosy tint of the full lips he longed to plant his on. He rested his hands on her shoulders.

“Lady...I...I love you.”

He couldn’t read her face in that moment. It flashed from surprise to confusion to annoyance and cycled through each emotion in rapid succession. Her lips parted and closed several times as she searched for the right words to say.

“W-what?”

“I love you.” He spoke more firmly this time. The words felt so natural. Tasted better than anything on his tongue. He felt drunk on the emotion in that moment, high on the decades old weight lifted from his shoulders.

“Dante...how? Why?” Before he could tighten his grip on her, she slipped away from him and took a few steps backward. His high crashed and burned as he saw unshed tears shine in her eyes. His heart felt heavy again, and his throat closed off. He felt as though his muscles would fail him at any second.  

“Lady, I had to tell you. Finally get it off my chest. I’ve felt this way forever and--”

“No.” She held up her hand and shook her head. Her tears escaped her eyes and trailed down her cheeks. Her voice trembled. “No. No no. You can't do this to me, Dante. Not now.”

Lady stepped back to the door and his body lurched forward of its own accord. He wrapped his fingers around her wrist and held fast. “Please, Lady. Just hear me out. You mean the world to me and I wish I had told you sooner but-”

“But you had to wait until someone else showed up? Until I gave up on you and tried to start my life? A halfway normal life?”

He could feel his heart ripping itself to shreds as a mocking voice chanted, “You’re too late” over and over in his head. His grip slackened, and she took full advantage of it, ripping her hand from his grip. He swallowed and fought his own tears. Whoever would have thought a woman would ever make him feel so low or make him cry?

“Lady...”

“Save it, Dante.” She scoffed and swiped her hand beneath her eyes, over her cheeks, clearing them of tears. She coughed out a short laugh, the sound bitter and too high. “What did you expect to happen when I got here? That I would just give up everything and get with you?” Her hands balled into fists at her sides.

“I waited too long for you, Dante...I’m getting old. I couldn’t, wouldn’t wait forever.”

He was paralyzed. She was right. Had he really expected that? That this would end like a fairy tale? He knew better; his life was the exact opposite. How could he possibly expect a happy ending?

His emotions went into damage control mode. He went numb. He shut off his anger. His sadness. His regret. He was a monster, he reminded himself. Monsters didn’t love, and they certainly didn’t deserve love.

“You’re right.” He finally managed. He brushed his fingers through his hair and turned his back on her, ignoring her sniffle and choked sob. “I’m sorry for bringing you over here. Go get some sleep.”

Dante lowered himself on the couch and closed his eyes. “I gotta get to bed myself, anyway. Early job.” He fought the urge to open his eyes when he didn’t hear her move immediately. To run over and scoop her into his arms. To kiss her and beg her to be with him. Or at least not to hate him for being so stupid all these years and only just now getting the nerve to tell her. His fingers curled around the bottom of the couch to keep him latched to the leather cushions.

He heard her sigh, a shuddering sound. “Goodnight, Dante.”

Finally, boots cleared the rest of the wood floor to the door. He winced as it creaked open and clicked shut. Blue eyes opened to stare at the ceiling, filled with bitter tears. He felt as though everything in him had been sucked out of him, a mere shell lying abandoned on his couch. But the pain...he could still feel that. And it hurt worse than any sword thrust through his guts.

[thelastspeecher]

NaNoWriMo ‘17 Day 27 - It’s a Deal

Day 01   Day 02   Day 03   Day 04   Day 05   Day 06   Day 07   Day 08 Day 09   Day 10   Day 11   Day 12   Day 13   Day 14   Day 15   Day 16 Day 17   Day 18   Day 19   Day 20   Day 21   Day 22   Day 23   Day 24 Day 25   Day 26   Day 27   Day 28   Day 29   Day 30

Summary: Stan makes an arrangement with a merman who has homicidal tendencies.  Inspiration from here.  [Variant of MerGucket AU] Word count: 1531

               “Hey, Ford, you didn’t say there’d be mermaids here!”  At the sound of his twin’s shout, Ford’s head jerked up.

               “Mermaids?” Ford muttered to himself.  He rushed out of the cabin and joined Stan on the deck.  Stan was leaning over the side of the ship, ogling at something.  “Stanley, did you claim you see mermaids?”

               “I’m not claiming nothin’.  They’re right there!  Check it out.”  Ford walked to Stan’s side to peer overboard.  His eyes widened.

               “Sweet Moses, I thought you were hallucinating.”

               “What?!”

               “Sailors hallucinate when they’ve been at sea long enough,” Ford said dismissively.  “That’s where the myth of mermaids comes from.  Lovelorn sailors longing for company, who saw manatees.”

               “Rude!” one of the mermaids scoffed, diving back underwater.  Stan glared at Ford.

               “Way to piss the pretty fish girl off.”

               “Mermaids aren’t real,” Ford insisted.

               “Sixer, we literally fought a kraken the other day.  You’re obsessed with bigfoot and aliens and all that nonsense. Are fish people that difficult to believe?”

               “Those are all based in scientific fact!”                “They’re based in bullshit.”

               “The biology of merfolk simply isn’t feasible.  Half-human, half-fish?  Humans are so removed from fish, it’s- it’s unconceivable.  What sort of diet would they have?  How could they have evolved?  How would reproduction work?”

               “That’s a mighty personal question,” the remaining mermaid drawled.

               “And don’t even get me started on the ability to control men via song,” Ford said.  His eyes suddenly widened as he registered the voice of the stranger.  He looked back at the mermaid.  “Stan, that’s not a mermaid, that’s a merman.”

               “They’re not all called mermaids?”

               “No.”

               “I don’t care what ya call me,” the merman said with a shrug.  He grinned crookedly.  “Just don’t call me late fer dinner!”

               “He has a southern accent,” Stan mumbled.

               “I’m from the deep south.  Get it?” the merman said.  He laughed loudly.  Stan cracked a grin.

               “Heh.”

               “Stop engaging in wordplay with our mutual delusion,” Ford snapped.  He walked over to the helm of the ship.  “I’m taking us back to shore.”

               “No, yer not!” the merman shouted.  The ship ground to a halt.  Stan stumbled back from the edge, nearly landing on his butt.

               “Did we hit a reef?” Stan asked Ford.

               “We’re in the middle of the ocean!”

               “So, probably not.”

               “It wasn’t a reef,” the merman called.  “It was me.”

               “What?”  Stan got up and leaned over the edge of the ship again.  “You fucker!  If you hurt our boat, you’ll wish you weren’t born!”

               “Hatched.”

               “…What?”

               “I hatched.”

               “Sweet Moses,” Stan muttered.  “Fine!  You’ll wish you weren’t hatched!”  He looked at Ford.  “It doesn’t sound as good.  Uh, Ford?” Ford was standing wobbly, his eyes glazed over.  “Ford?” Ford abruptly bolted across the deck of the ship.  “Sixer, what the fuck are you doing?” Stan shouted.  Ford leapt over the side, landing with a splash in the ocean next to the merman.  Stan gaped. “Stanford!”

               “Hmm, you’ll do might nice,” the merman said to Ford, looking him over. The merman’s tailfin flicked Ford’s nose.  “Got a big honker.  Let’s make sure ya have all yer fingers and toes.  That’s where the flavor’s in.”  The merman picked up Ford’s hands and spread his fingers apart.  The merman’s eyes widened.  “Whoa! You’ve got extra!”  The merman looked up at Stan.  “Do you have extra fingers, too?”

               “No!”

               “Aw, a shame.  Guess we’ll just eat this ‘un, then.”

               “Eat him?!  No, no, don’t!” Stan shouted desperately.  The merman made an exaggerated sigh.  

               “Fine, make yer case as to why I shouldn’t.”

               “He’s a person!”

               “So?”

               “He- you don’t eat people!”

               “Maybe you don’t,” the merman retorted. He shook his head.  “Honestly, I was hopin’ fer a better argument.  Ah, well.  Yer…looks like yer brother, maybe?  Yer brother ‘ll make a fine dinner.”

               “No, dude, seriously, please!”  The merman froze.

               “Dangit.  Ya said the magic word.”

               “Wait, ‘please’ is actually a magic word?”

               “Duh!  Why do ya think people call it that?”

               “I thought it was to get kids to be polite, but clearly, that was an insane assumption,” Stan said drily.  The merman narrowed his eyes.

               “It don’t pay to be sarcastic with folks yer tryin’ to convince to give up their dinners.”

               “Um…”

               “Nah, it’s whatever,” the merman said with a shrug.  He flicked his tail.  “Yer pretty attached to this feller here, huh?”

               “He’s my twin brother.  Of course I am.”

               “He’s yer twin?”

               “Yeah.”

               “Darn,” the merman muttered.  He sighed.  “Between that and ya usin’ the magic word, fine.  I’ll hand him back to ya.”

               “Wha- really?”

               “I don’t like to eat twins, since I’m one.  And yeah, if ya ask nicely, I have to at least offer an alternative.”

               “What’s the alternative?” Stan asked.  The merman grinned, showing off a myriad of thin, needle-shaped teeth filling his mouth.  Stan quelled a shudder.

               “Pay me fer passage through these waters.”

               “What- what sorta payment?”

               “Favors.  Visits. Shiny things.”

               “Do I have to do all of those, or is it all right if I just do one?”

               “At least two.”

               “Okay…favors and shiny things,” Stan said.  “Now, give me back Ford.”

               “Nope.  Ya pay me, first.”

               “Shiny thing, then you toss back Ford.  After he’s on the boat, I’ll give you that favor.”

               “…Deal,” the merman said after a moment.  Stan undid his wristwatch and tossed it overboard.  The merman caught it with one webbed hand.  He sniffed it idly, then nodded.

               “This suffices.  Here’s yer brother.”  The merman lobbed Ford at the ship.  Stan took a few steps back, but managed to catch his twin.  Ford blinked at him woozily.  

               “What’s going on?” Ford mumbled.  Stan patted Ford’s head.

               “I’ll tell you later.  Gotta finish paying this merman.”  He set Ford down, took a knife out of his pocket, and cut off a chunk of his hair. “Here!” Stan shouted, tossing the hair to the merman.  “I paid you, now let us pass!”

               “I asked fer a favor, not hair!” the merman protested.  Stan grinned at him.

               “Don’t you know what us land people call a lock of hair?  A favor.”  A moment passed.  The merman laughed uproariously.  

               “Yer a clever one!  What’s yer name, human?”

               “Stan Pines.”

               “Lute MerGucket.  Yer ship’s got safe passage through these waters.  At least, this time.”

               “What about when I come back this way?”

               “You got to pay me again.”  Lute grinned toothily at him again.  “Later, sailors.”

----- 

               “Great, we’re crossing into that merman’s territory again,” Ford muttered. He sighed.  “Stanley, do you have the bribes?”

               “They’re not bribes, they’re more like tolls,” Stan said, walking onto the deck, carrying a small bag.  He set it down and began to rummage through it.  “But yeah, I’ve got the goods.”

               “Mermaids and mermen exist,” Ford said with a shake of his head.  

               “That’s still eating you up?  Ford, there are a lot better things to get upset over.”

               “The science behind their existence is troubling.  That’s all.”

               “Uh-huh.  You’re just angry that you were wrong,” Stan said.  Ford glared at Stan.  “I’m right. Just like I was right about the mermaids and mermen.”

               “…Shut up.”

               “Mature.”

               “You’re one to talk.”

               “I recognize that boat!” a voice shouted.  Ford groaned.

               “Sounds like your friend is back.”

               “Like I’d be friends with a homicidal fish,” Stan scoffed.  He walked over to the edge of the ship.  “Lute, right?”

               “You bet!” the merman said cheerfully.  He grinned up at Stan.  “What’d ya bring me, sailor?”

               “More shiny things, and another favor,” Stan replied.  He tossed a set of gold earrings overboard, as well as a locket. “Keepin’ it classy.”

               “Hmm,” Lute murmured, running the chain of the locket through his hands. “A necklace.”

               “Open it,” Stan said.  Lute opened the locket.  His eyes widened.  “Yeah, that’s a picture of me.  That’s what makes it a favor, not just a shiny thing.”  Lute stroked the picture inside the locket, a small smile spreading across his face.

               “Yer a handsome man.”

               “…What?” Stan said, wondering if he’d misheard.

               “I said yer handsome,” Lute called up to him.

               “That’s what I thought you said.”  Stan rubbed the back of his neck.  “Uh, you’re not gonna try to eat me or somethin’ now, are you?”  After a moment, Lute shook his head.

               “No, I won’t.  Yer still a twin, and anyways, I keep the deals I make.”  He cocked his head at Stan.  “But I am changin’ what I require.  I looked into what the human definition of a favor is.  It’s fer lovers.  Significant others.”

               “Oh, boy,” Stan muttered.  Ford choked back a laugh.  Stan shot a glare in Ford’s direction.  

               “So, it just seems fair that ya make good on yer favors,” Lute continued. He grinned at Stan.  “Meet me at the atoll a few miles west of here. Anchor yer ship, then disembark. We’ll have ourselves a nice lil visit. Chat fer a bit.”

               “Uh…”

               “I could always revoke yer ability to travel these waters,” Lute said. He grinned, showing his nightmarish teeth.  “Would ya like that?”

               “…I’ll meet you at the atoll,” Stan said.  

               “Great!”  The merman dove back underwater.  

               “Sounds like you’ve got a date,” Ford said to Stan.  Stan grimaced.

               “Yeah.  With a homicidal fish.”

[leggylegs]

Fic idea: os taking ed out for a nice dinner everything is good and happy ☺

Combining these:

Oswald watches Ed as he moves stiffly across the kitchen, mug of coffee in hand and his other clenched around the head of his cane. It’s a pain day, he’d said this morning, and Oswald has somehow managed to not snap back with the fact that he’s always having a pain day, although he has to admit the stinging around his knee is most definitely not welcome when he’s trying to be a supportive, helpful husband.

But Ed is trying. He’s just stiff, and in pain, and not entirely used to the fact that he’ll never wake up with the same leg he had before, and that’s just fine but it doesn’t make days like this any easier. He sits beside Oswald at their dining room table and nurses his cup of coffee, looking up tiredly a few times and smiling at Oswald whenever he catches Oswald looking.

“I can be roasted but I’m not a turkey. I can be ground but I’m not pepper. I can be pressed but I’m not a button. I can be brewed but I’m not beer. I’m a bean but I’m not magic.”

“I got a new roast in for that little cafe we own,” Oswald says as he pulls Ed’s mug away from his hands and takes a sip. “It’s a very good roast.”

“Somewhat nutty,” Ed comments, and takes the mug back.

“I thought Valentine’s Day would be a good day to unveil a new flavor. That’s next week, you know,” Oswald says idly as he flips to the next page of the paper.

He glances up when Ed sucks in a breath, and watches as he goes from surprised to sheepish to irritated, “crap,” Ed exclaims. “Oswald, I’m terribly sorry, but I haven’t planned anything this year.”

Oswald actually wasn’t fishing for secrets to the surprise Ed normally plans, surely some elaborate riddle hunt that will both irritate Oswald while somehow making him moony at the same time, but now that he knows it isn’t going to happen he’s surprised to find he’s actually somewhat disappointed. Not that he’s going to say that out loud, but the way Ed’s face falls suggests that maybe Oswald’s expression gave away his feelings on the matter, just a tad.

“Well, it’s a good thing it’s my year then isn’t it?” He asks, and he realizes what he’s said isn’t something he can take back but damn it he doesn’t want Ed to look like he’s a kicked puppy just because the holiday snuck up on him this year.

“Your year?”

“Ed, darling,” he sets down the paper and grabs Ed’s hands, “last year, while your leg was, well, we won’t go into details when we both know, but we agreed to alternate, remember? I suppose you might’ve just had your dose of pain medication, but never fear, I have something planned already.”

“I am fairly certain that did not happen,” Ed says definitively.

“Well, it did,” Oswald insists, “and come Valentine's Day you’re not going to know what hit you.”

-

Three favors, a few bribes, and some overpriced tickets later Oswald has planned a very normal, very nice evening for himself and Ed. The dining room is private, the entertainment for tonight is a symphony orchestra known for some eclectic instrument choices (something Ed will surely appreciate even if Oswald has no interest in whatever a theremin is), and they’re going to end the day with a bath full of scented oils and bubbles. It’s calming, and peaceful, and that is probably why things begin going wrong the moment they’re seated at their table.

“Excuse me,” Oswald calls to their server, “but I believe I set up a very specific custom menu for our meal, and it most certainly did not include a white wine.”

“We're out of the wine you selected. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience. This is a selection we made instead, an excellent bottle from the same vineyard.”

“Yes, I can read,” Oswald himself and picks up the bottle. “But I selected a red, and you can be certain that if I select a red,” he hefts the bottle across the room, satisfied when it breaks against the tiled floor, “that you should replace it with a red!” He points angrily and shouts, “go get your manager!”

The server leaves quickly, and Oswald rubs his temples. Ed taps Oswald's hand, and he lets him take it, sighing as deft fingers massage his palm. “How is his entire city one giant disappointment?”

“It's Gotham,” Ed replies, and he brings Oswald's hand to his mouth, kissing his knuckles and smiling. “Really, who in their right mind thought you would overlook the wine selection?”

“Incompetent people, clearly,” Oswald sighs, smiling back. “Let's hope this was a fluke.”

It isn't.

The food is brought out at uneven times, the wine left on the table without a single courtesy refilling of their glasses, and although he's teased Ed in the past for his miniature spice containers he insists on keeping in his bag he's grateful for them now, because the food (once it arrives) is bland at best.

“We are never coming here again,” Oswald tells Ed as they leave, leftovers “forgotten” on the table. He gets into the passenger seat of Ed's car and closes his eyes. “I can only hope they get closed down because of a health violation.”

“Or you could bit the restaurant, Ed proposes, and Oswald glances over at him. “What better way to hurt them than to prove you can do better?”

Now that is tempting. “Perhaps. Tomorrow we can discuss the idea with the accountant. For now let's just get to the theater.”

-

Oswald was right on both counts regarding this symphony, because he cannot fathom finding the screeching thing in the back of the ensemble pleasant burned is transfixed, watching the player eave their hands over the thing (a strange, unappealing way to play and instrument) and nudging Oswald whether the weird mushroom-like staticky thing buzzes.

“It's a Tesla coil, and they've attached it to a keyboard,” he explains excitedly, but quietly, in their private balcony, “also known as a zeusaphone, the amount of electricity it puts off can stop a person's heart if touched during its operation.”

Oswald didn't really understand anything but the parts about a keyboard and potential death, but he can see how excited Ed is by the contraption, so he smiles and kisses him. At least one thing has gone right today.

Oswald returns his attention to the symphony and watches the static on the… whatever Ed called it, and watches the player, and oh, of course. He isn't surprised as much as he is weary, and Oswald rubs his eyes and groans.

“Are you getting a migraine?” Ed whispers.

“No,” but he will be, “but we need to make a calm yet brisk exit.” Ed searches his face, confused. “Recognize our little keyboard player?”

Ed looks down over their balcony at the band, and his jaw tenses. “Harley,” he growls, low and quiet, and he turns back to Oswald. “If they have a plan to conduct the current it could kill the entire crowd.”

“Well let's be sure to not be included then,” Oswald tells Ed, and Ed nods, getting up and offering his arm to Oswald, a grim smile on his face and stiffness in his elbow when Oswald takes it.

As they push back the thick curtains to their balcony and begin walking down the hall they hear a collective shout of surprise, and the sprinkler system in the hall turns on. They swear, and Ed points them towards the bathroom.

“Water conducts electricity,” Ed tells him. “And I'm going to assume the doors to the outside are guarded by Joker's men.”

Oswald groans and leans against the wall, squinting up at the sprinkler system and scowling. “How is it that you can plan an elaborate riddle based scavenger hunt and have nothing go wrong, but the moment I try to have a nice evening everything goes horribly?”

“It hasn't been horrible,” Ed says quietly, and Oswald looks at him, watching him get drenched from the sprinkler, and raises one eyebrow as if to ask “how the fuck?” and Ed smiles. “Because it's still been spent with someone I love, and your intentions were thoughtful and very much appreciated. Also, I found the first half of this concert rather enjoyable.”

Oswald smiles briefly back. “Well, I suppose that's very true. Time wasted with loved ones is still better than time alone. Although, I do wish I could make the second half of the concert enjoyable, but I have no ideas.”

“I have my kit in my bag,” Ed says, gesturing to his shoulder bag, grinning. “I remember you have your umbrella cane.”

“It's only for the rain I'm afraid.” Oswald says, and Ed shakes his head, letting water droplets fly, and gestures up to the “rain” coming down from the sprinklers. Oswald rolls his eyes and opens his umbrella, holding it out as an offering. Ed steps under it and kisses him.

“We're going to need this to keep some wires dry while I work,” he says, jostling the umbrella with his hand a bit and grinning excitedly. “Care to help me foil Joker's plans with me?”

“It's a date.”

-

“This is how we should have spent the entire evening,” Oswald sighs. He sinks a few more inches into the steamy bathwater and swishes some of the bubbles around. He really must thank his past self for ensuring they have a bathtub that fits two people.

“In the bath?” Ed laughs a little as Oswald flicks bubbles at him. “But I found our evening rather enjoyable. Just like old times. It was exciting.”

“You aren’t wrong,” Oswald agrees. “I didn’t expect your kit to have knock out gas,” Oswald tells Ed quietly, tipping his head against Ed’s shoulder, “but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s hardly new.”

“I like to be prepared,” Ed tells him. “I do wish I could develop a multiple use EMP, but the wires tend to overheat.”

“I doubt your need to use them comes up all that often.”

“More than you’d think,” Ed says, shrugging. “I don’t want to offend you Oswald, but I think I’ll make the plans for next year. As fun as this evening has been I think I’m a bit tired of dealing with people like Jerome Valeska when I’m trying to spend time with you.”

“I did lie, after all,” Oswald says, “about it being my year.”

“I assumed so. Still, it was a nice night. I did get quite a bit of satisfaction when I saw the look on Jim’s face when we exited the basement and not Bruce.”

“Now that was a definite highlight,” Oswald hums. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Ed.”

“It’s really about the martyr, Saint Valentine. The holiday only adopted the connecting with romantic love-”

Oswald kisses him. “Please, love, for me, just stop talking and enjoy the bath.”